Hearty breakfast

A Kenyan is enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon, eggs, coffee, croissant; toast, butter, jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation:-

American: You Kenyans eat the whole bread?
Kenyan: Of course.
American (blowing a bubble with his gum): We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them ...into croissants and sell them to Kenya.

Kenyan: Oh Really?
American: Do ya eat jam with the bread?
Kenyan: Of course.
American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to Kenya.

Kenyan: Do you have sex in America?
American: Of course we do.
Kenyan: And what do you do with the condoms?
American: Throw them away of course.
Kenyan: We don't. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America.

CHIKU! Never again try to bust a dr.

AKINYI: hello, shiko i think my husband is cheating on me

SHIKO: why do u think so? whats his name and what does he do?

AKINYI: his name is Ombewa, he is a pharmacist at umoja and i found sweet messages in his phone from a lady called beatrice

SHIKO: ok lets find out if hes really cheating on u *ring ring….ri ng…ring*

OMBEWA: hallo.. .the digits being displayed on my android 2960 as incoming are foreign to my records, which assembly of co-joined alphabetical letters shall i embed to the person seeking my audience via the cellular?

SHIKO: hello mr. ombewa, my name is sharon from the safaricom shinda na milli promotions and i woud lo….

OMBEWA: pardon my interjection but substitute the prefix Mr. with “Dr.” b4 uttering my name as this will avoid confusion with other ombewa’s and appreciate the years i sacrificed in attaining that status. it is of paramount importance that i percieve this conversation to be channelled only in my direction.

SHIKO: ok dr. ombewa, im sharon from safaricom shinda na amilli and im pleased to inform u that u have won a vacation for two this weekend at mombasa..

OMBEWA: finally safaricom has recognised the reasoning behind their hug profit margins steming from the bulk calls i instigate for both local and international. i accord ur gesture with hospitality. .. SHIKO: ok so i would like the name and details of the person u will be taking to the trip OMBEWA: where they seek her name, just scribble the words “Dr. ombewa’s companion”

SHIKO: sorry sir, but we actually need a name

OMBEWA: Beatrice njeri

SHIKO: ok, thank u sir… i want u to talk to the show promoter so that she can give u the details for ur trip to coast *shiko connects akinyi*

AKINYI: ombewa wewe…huyooo beatrcice kwisakuwa nani?

OMBEWA: ur promoters vocal cords transmit sound in the replicas of my wifes tone. thats astounding

SHIKO: ombewa naitwa shiko, from classic 105..hii ni busted..

OMBEWA: u alerted me that u r sharon from safaricom, now shiko from classic 105. subjecting my experience in the field of pharmacetuals and doctorate to practice i can deduce that u are suffering from multi-personality dis- order. i can prescribe u some recomendable medications for ur ailments AKINYI:wewe ombewa kwisa-acha kutangatanga na maneno, ni mimi bibi yako akinyi ambayo wewe naangalia wasichana wengine nyuma yake

OMBEWA: akinyi, nyar-loka.. yawaa u achieved a job at safaricom as the promoter?..with ur education tht is remarkable

AKINYI: propaganda hawesi kusaidia sai, ambia mimi beatrcice kwisakuwa nani?

OMBEWA: akinyi yawaaa, beatrice is just patient i treated and this un-expecte d trip to mombasa was just an avenue to assist in her recuparation via therapy

AKINYI: hawesi danganya mimi kama mtoto, Unataka ata mimi nihanye sasa. si ni cha hivyo. si ni tit for tat

OMBEWA: yawaaa nyaber do not retaliate in that manner. i detar u to expose that which is matrimonially exclusive to my corneas

AKINYI: ata mimi apana taka wewe sasa….en da na hiyo ndogo ndogo yako na hapana rudi kwa nyumba yangu

OMBEWA: u cannot decree a personna non grata upon me as regards to my dwelling. i am the one who remunerates the landlord on a monthly basis

SHIKO: si uambie bibi yako beatrcice ni nani?

OMBEWA: first and foremost shiko this conversation is recorded on my state of the arts phone. my lawyer will comb the dialogue and sue u for impersonating a safaricom agent and causing me emotional discomfort by instigating deception upon my intellect that i have won trip to mombasa

AKINYI: ambia hiyo loya’ yako aanze kutengenezea wewe karatasi ya divos. mimi akuna mahali napelekana na wewe. wewe naesa letea mimi hayaki

SHIKO: ombewa dont u think that u shuld apologise to ur wife

OMBEWA: cease this dialogue b4 i enforce another suit against u for diminishing the voltage in my android via this misplaced conversation

AKINYI: yaani wewe bado narusa vitisho na wewe kwisasikwa na suruali chini?

OMBEWA: akinyi depart from my dwelling. you ignite cerebral discomfort everytime u spark arguments with my intellect. profits has eluded my pharmacetual business from the fact that i divert most of the medications to treat the never ending head-aches u inflict on me. i used to think that u were my missing rib that i finnaly found only to realise in the end that i ended up with OKIYA OMUTATA’S missing fibula. please go… go and locate your tibia .

Mental Hospital

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.
All the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks,
so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some crazy person poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'........

If u Did Not burst laughing then ur one of the patients...

Unfair

Famous luos in america

Barrack Obama is not the first famous Luo to have made it in the US , but he might be the only one who retained his Kenyan name while many others Americanized theirs. Here is a sample of those Kenyans who made it big in the US but changed their names to become more 'Americans.'

They include: Clarence Carter, Billy Ocean, Barry White, and Otis Redding.

Alicia Keys real name is Alice Akinyi, and then we have Billy Ochieng, who changed his name to Billy Ocean once he hit the American shores; and Otis Redding whose real name is Otieno Rading, comes from the Kisumu.
Brian Mac Otieno was Brian Mc night

Note they are all Luos

There may be others out there, but these are the ones who came to my mind immediately. Something common with these Kenyans is that they were/are all great musicians. If they went into politics like Obama, perhaps they would have retained their Kenyan tags. If they were preachers, they would have changed their minimally like Martin Oludhe King who changed to Martin Luther King and T.D. Jaoko who became T.D. Jakes

Ocampo Nairobi Styro

For those of you wenye mlipitwa nayo,a nyt cracker 0.o

ocampo writes on Mwai kibaki"s wall on fb (nairobi styro)

*Luis Moreno Ocampo*>mwai kibaki kibaki
-mzeiya hii risto ya shuttle diplomacy ikatsie,unaharibu mambo

•Mike "Gwan Ting" $onko likes this.

35minutes ago nkt. Dislike.Utadoo

coments:

*mwai kibaki>KUBAFU!!!!!!kwanza naaaani alikupa ruhusa uandike kwa woro yagu?siuadike kwa woro ya ICC.MUJINGA

*Lucy kibaki>yaani @kibaki unaongeza friendz kwa fb yetu bira kuniabia,he!niukuona huaini!!Na wewe ocampo,ni kazi umekosa nkt.Kuja ukue scare crow kwa chaba yangu.

*kalonzo musyoka>Tihihihi@lucy,haki umenimaliza,tihihihi.......

*Lucy KIBAKI>Whats funny?Unaona shashir hapa?kwanza niabie chenye uliabia ranabaga juu ya kibaki ama nikubrok!

*Mwai Kibabi>Nooooo!hapanaaa@lucy,wacha kwanza afanye hiyo mambo ya deferal,harafu dio udiro naye porepore.

*joshua Arap sang>@kibaki waeza nisave doo kiasi? jo ni kubaya man.Huyu ocampo hanitakii mazuri.

Raila Odinga>Luolest@LUCY umenimada!roor!!!

*Mike "Gwan Ting" $onko>mathee(lucy) watajuaje we ndo first lady,,,hebu wachapie bwo bwo! Wagan mzito

*Lucy Kibaki>@mbuvi unaniita madhee mimi mama yako?? Mschewww

*Mike "gwan Ting" $onko> tuliza shonde madame,mi nakupiga jeki tu,mbona waniparamba hivo?jipe shughli tsatsa,nkt

*kalonzo Musyoka>tihihihihihi aki $onko unanimada tihihi lol

*Raila Odinga> heheheh am unjoying the unfolding drama,kibaki amesahau bibi ananyeshewa huku *seeps pepsi* Sonko mpe zake!

*PLO Lumumba> never under estimate the idiocy under the downfold of stupidy,you will end with a certificate that will doom your resume into a worthless peace of paper,fools #smh#

*Mike "Gwan Ting" Sonko> hehe PLO umenimada debroz hebu wachapia hawa washenzi,ata najua Kalucy hakajagitch any,kali hiyo

*Bifwoli Wokoli> PLO khandi sasa hiyo ni kisungu ama kicherumani vane?selfless itiot!@ Lucy Omulami pole pole omwana wefwe,wewe ni wetu hawa wasikutisheko khandi,lala vsuri mama #SMH# <-----(ameweka tu the initials hata hajui maana)

*Lucy Kibaki>PLO i will sue you to the standard you son of a mbitch,,,,,,,shameless man,by the way enda kura,umekoda sana,nktscare crow

*Francis Atwoli-washenzi,washenzi,washenzi!!PLO unafanya nini huku jobless corner,al block all of you except Bifwoli,Lucy naanza na wewe nkt!

*Bifwoli Wokoli>WTF!->(not knowing the meaning)-atwoli ata leo ntalala vsuri,barikiwe

*Mike "Gwan Ting" Sonko> Bifwoli we ni Cartoon Mtinguyez,ulijoin facebook lini fala wangu,kuja inbox nikuchanue haha,haiya tuende inbox(1) nktubukusu!

*Raila Odinga*> Lucy stop poking me,kama Sonko amekulemea usiniletee kisrani,am out my beautiful Idda is waiting in bed *ror!*
-(Idda Odinga and Wokoli bifwoli like this)

*Jimmy Gathungu Uhuru kenyatta>>Nijeyez ubakoo,,umeskia maujinga za Ekaterina 2kiwa icc..ujinga moja ni kutamka jina Maina Jenga,,eti MAIN AGENDA.. lol, lmfao, enyway ni accent ya walami bt am xua ntatoboa hii noma ya hague~(Eketerina Trendafilova and Moureno Ocampo like this)

*Lucy Kibaki>nyi edereeni tu,kukiederea hivi naona manyunyu ya Ocampo na mkizidi kutakuwa na mvua ya Trendafilova,may you rot in jair you sons of mbitches,period

*Kalonzo Musyoka>tihihihihi @lucy hebu washow tihihihi :p(Charity Ngilu likes this)

*
BIfwOli Wokoli>ohhh my firinjess!!!ofwana imbwa.Msondo! #smh#

It is Only in Nigeria

A family in Nigeria was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the USA, sent by their sister.

The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which read:-

Dearest brodas and sistos, I am sending you our moda's remains for burial de in Lagos. Sorry I couldn't come along as tha expenses were so high. You will find inside de coffin, unda mama's body, 12 cans of Libby's corned beef and 12 cans of Luncheon Meat. Just share it among yourselves.

On Mama's head for Tunde's sons. Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts one is for Omo Roy and de rest are my nephews. Mama is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bra (your favorite) just divide it among yourselves. The 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties dat Mama is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins.

Underneath mama's body is 20 kgs of cocaine in sachets, which is worth 120 million Naira. This should take care of all of you and the unborn babies in your bodies. Don't bury her with all this fortune.

Mama is also wearing eight Docker pants - Ikeje, please get one for yourself and the rest are for the boys. The Swiss watch you asked for is on Mama's left wrist, please get it. Aunty Ifoma, mama is wearing what you asked for ie earrings, ring and necklace - please just get dem. Also, the six pairs of Chanel stockings that mama is wearing must be
>divided among the teen-age girls de I hope they like the color.

Yours loving sisto,
Nene

PS: plse take care of finding a dress for her burial since all I had dressed her in were your presents.

Afro cinema continues shortly,,,,,,

Ghost Encounter

Sam is hanging out alone in a nairobi bar on a wednesday night. At around 2am he decides to leave for his crib... No matatus ply that route at that time of the morning and so he decides to hitch a ride.

It starts to rain and then a prado stops next to him, he quickly gets into the co-drivers side and slams the door behind him. The car starts moving and just when he is about to thank the driver he discovers there is none! Sam starts to freak out but he is afraid to jump out of a moving vehicle. When the vehicle gets to a bend, a hand comes in through the driver's window and turns the steering wheel! This happens twice but on the 3rd time, Sam becomes totally freaked out and decides to jump out of the vehicle, landing into a ditch full of rain water.

He gets up and runs into a nearby bar. After downing four beers, he narrates his 'ghost' encounter to whoever who cared to listen. Just
then, three guys get into the same bar, soaked wet. Then one of them recognizes Sam, starts
laughing uncontrollably while pointing at Sam. Amid his laughing he says 'Si huyu ni yule jamaa aliingia gari tukisukuma?'

Just for Laughs

Juzi Kibaki,Moi &Raila were kidnaped. They were taken 2 a town they dint knw. Kila mtu akaambiwa' aende anunue matunda 10 ama auliwe. Moi alikuwa wa 1st kufika na machungwa 10. Kumbe ilikuwa unawekwa hayo matunda kwa matako ama uuliwe. Moi aliwekwa 3 ya nne akaanza kulia. Raila alikuwa wa pili kufika na grapes kumi. Kwa sababu zilikuwa ndogo aliwekwa kwa urahisi lakini alipofikisha ya tisa, alicheka, zikatoka zote. Akaulizwa mbona amecheka na alikuwa karibu kumaliza? Raila akamjibu "Nimeona Kibaki akibeba watermelon kumi"...hehehe.

Kikuyus and problems (joke)

Where Kikuyus are...... there must be a problem..... and a solution in the
making.......... ........... ..

Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Kikuyus up here and are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Savco jeans instead of their white robes, they're riding pick up trucks instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices. Furthermore, they refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway hawking their wings! They have sub-let their mansions and are now living in the SQs. They are even attempting "atiriri" talk over here! I found some attempting to fit a carrier on the chariot for carrying "thaara wa n'gombe " (Napier grass) on their way from visits! they are even usingmpesa to send money to "andu aitu" in hell.

The Lord said, 'Kikuyus are Kikuyus. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil.'

The Devil answered the phone, 'Hello? Hold on a minute.' The Devil returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.' The Devil said, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something..'

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, 'I'm back... Now what was the question?' Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?' The Devil said, 'Man I don't believe
this.......Hold on.' in the background you can hear "ngai!!!"

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.. The Devil returned and said, 'I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Kikuyus have put out the fire and are selling me a match box if I want to light the fire again!

Omwami

Omwami at bar in New York :
Man on his right says, 'Johnny Walker single'
Man on his left says, 'Peter Scotch single” Omwami says, 'Wekesa Johnstone Married'

***
Boss: I'm giving you a job as a driver. Starting salary is Ksh.20,000.00; is it okay?
Omwami: You are great Sir! Starting salary is okay, ...but how much is Driving salary...

***
Omwami's theory: Moon is more important than Sun, because it gives light at night when light is needed;
and Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!!
***

Two Omwamis are driving a car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether it’s
working. He puts his head out and says, 'YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...

***
Omwami shouting to his girl friend, 'you said ati we will register marriage and cheated me. I was
waiting
4 you yesterday whole day in the post office...
***

Two Omwamis looking at Egyptian mummy:

Omwami 1: 'Look so many bandages, lorry accident case mpaya sana .'
Omwami 2: 'Eh Pwanaaa!! , lorry number is also written...BC 1760...!!!'

***
Omwami on an interview for the post of Detective:
Interviewer: 'Who killed Gandhi?'
Omwami: 'Thank you Sir for giving me the job, I will start investigating...'
***
Omwami for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was
'FATHER'. He replaced friend with father in the essay and it read:
'I am a very fatherly person, I have lots of fathers, some of my fathers are male and some are
female. My true father is my neighbour.'
***

Interviewer: 'What is your qualification?'
Omwami: 'Sir I am PhD.
Interviewer: 'What do you mean by PhD?'
Omwami: (smiling) “ Passed High School with Tifficulty.'
***

Mwalimu: 'In which state does the Nyando flow?'
Omwami: “ Liquid State ...'
Audience clapped
Mwalimu stands stunned, looks behind, All were Omwamis...!

Somethin special for the Jeng's

Doctor : What happened to your arm?

Oludhe : I broke it.

Doctor : Where and How did that happen?

Oludhe : Okey. It was a normal Saturday afternoon. I was on the second floor balcony of that my house in Karen, not the one in Lavington sip...

Doctor : Is that where you broke your arm,the balcony?

Oludhe : No! no ... I was sipping that my scotch whisky slowly... you know my son recently came from the UK and he brought me some blue label. Anyway... as I continued sipping, I realised that the sun's rays were not getting directly to me, as the satellite dish was blocking them. Before I could instruct the domestic engineer to automatically turn away the dish, my butler James came up the balcony and informed me that there was this call on my social cellular phone . I reminded him to always bring the cellular up instead of calling me. As I hurried down the marble escalator ...

Doctor : I guess that is when you...

Oludhe : No, as I was going down I noticed the garage door was open and a car alarm was on. I stopped to check and indeed the new model Prado was missing. I knew Mama Akinyi my beautiful second wife had taken it. Akinyi is our second daughter, now in Boston USA and is named after my late grand mother, who passed away in 1972 after a sort illness. I have always warned Mama Akinyi never to use the 4 by 4 on weekends, because of the recent spate of car-jackings. I always advise her to either use the Mercedes 230E or the BMW 325I which are not very attractive for thugs. That reminds me, I will have to tell my secretary to call 'car-track ' first thing on Monday – Yawa! I need to update my mobility inventory with them.So as I was saying....

Doctor : (With some laughter) Yes Mr Oluthe, car theft incidences are rising and it is becoming a dangerous place. But how did you break your arm?

Oludhe : Yes I was coming to that. On my way to pick the cell tel I heard a hissing sound. I stopped to check where it was coming from. Ahh, it was from the bathroom.. Mama Akinyi, for some reason, had left the Jacuzzi on. Luckily the temp and speed were at the minimum. I usually recommend such speed and temp so that we do not overload the UPS support system , especially when our son's home theatre system is on .

Doctor : Mr Olu...

Oludhe : Just wait... So I when I picked up the phone, I said Hello, Hello...Hello, but nothing. I became upset because I think the caller from state house had disconnected, I cant understand why he didn't leave a message after the beep.All my un-answered calls including the car mobiles are automatically redirected to a CAMS system. Doc, a CAMS is a 'Central Answering Machine System '. Anyway, on my way back I did not notice the protruding wire from the satellite dish. I had on many occasions told MultiChoice to send in a qualified techni...

Doctor : ...is that where you tripped?

Oludhe : No, as I was avoiding the wire, I tripped on the Multichoice 250 channel decoder and fell on the 200 year old classical family piano..........

Doctor : Thank you. Such an expensive trip will cost you only 850.

Oludhe: hands over the money excitedly...)

Doctor : Not Kenya shillings, Dollars!

Oludhe : Aii....yawa.....then I shall write you a cheque drawn from my
overseas account with Fast Boston Bank Massachussets....you can not go
wrong on that one omera.

Only in Jamiaca

A Jamaican man walks into a supermarket, picks up a pack of Ribena and a bag of sugar. He pays for the Ribena but walks out... with the sugar. Minutes later, he's caught & later on taken to court.
Once in court, the judge asks him,
"Why did you steal sugar?" The Jamaican man replied, "Bumbaclaaarrtt!! Look pon di
back of di Ribena, it says, SUGAR FREE!!"

Imagine this story!

A bus stops and two Italian men get inside the bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

There is this lady sitting next to them who ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorts indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi. '

My $5000 bet says you're gonna read this again.

Have a nice day, wont you?

Golf

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

Bangi

Bangi na strungi ni kitu mbaya sana,watu wa pwani mko wapi?

Fala na Otoyo baada ya kiamsha kinywa cha bangi na strungi, waliliona embe juu ya mti wakaamua
kulipopoa.Wakarusha mawe mengi sana bila kufanikiwa kuliangusha lile embe.

Fala akasema; hebu ngoja isije ikawa embe lenyewe bichi, wacha nipande juu nikalicheki.

Baada ya dakika 5, Fala akashuka chini,akamwambia

Otoyo; nimelibonyeza na limeiva vizuri kabisa,tuendelee kulipopoa mawee!!!

Maths

If uchumi changes its name

Once upon a time thea was NAKURU MATRESS - which later coverted to NAKUMATT

Then there was TUSKER MATTRESS - which later converted to TUSKYS
Then there was NAIVASHA SELF SERVICE STORES - which is now NAIVAS
I'm now afraid UCHUMI might change its name to something like UCHI ...then we'll start getting strange calls like this. 'Baybe, si leo twende shopping uchi!?'

Mulu Mutysia's speech

Mulu Mutysia's speech when the president(then Moi) visited his place

Baba wanasema Kenyatta ni hayati lakini wewe ni hayati kabisa. Nashukuru sana baba wa taifa kwa sababu ulihaidi kunya hapa ukaharisha, ukahaidi kuja hapa tena ukaharisha tena.

Lakini leo baba ujaharisha lakini umekunya wewe mwenye.

Na sasa baba vile umekunya, nataka nikuambie matako ya hawa mama wote ni maji. Maji tupu.

(The guy was struggling to say that the president was better than his predecessor bu he had postpned his visits many times. but now that he had come the issues of the women in Ukambani was water shortage.

Jeng'

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a Jeng' stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits Ouma to begin his confession.

Confessional Booth After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally Ouma yells out… “Marateng'? Ti! Omera !there is no use knocking, there is no tissue paper over here either,jaribu choo next berr!"

Jalou Berrrrrr

My friends, being a luo isnt easy, its an an art we must live up to!. No matter where you are...u must be U! please take note of the titles below and use them as etiquette demands

How Luos call them....

Gardener - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
House Maid - Domestic Operations Specialist
Typist - Printed Document Handler
Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner - Transparent Wall Technician
Temporary Teacher - Associate Tutor
Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer
Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technician
Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer
Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer
Driver - Automobile Propulsion Specialist
Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist
Cook - Food Preparation Officer
Bartender - Certified Liquor Specialist
Housewife - Permanent Secretary- Home Affairs

Three Bodies

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. After autopsies, the pathologist calls the police to tell
them what has happened.

"First body: a Mkamba, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile,

"Second body: "a Luo, 25, won a hundred thousand shillings in the
sweepstakes, spent it all on whisky & cham. Died of alcohol poisoning,
hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the pathologist, "this is the most unusual one.
Harvester Khayega, Luhyia from Funyula, 30, struck by
lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

kibanda language

So you have all have been to the mighty kibanda for a selection of mouth watering dishes, but most of you guyz barely understand the logistics of operations there, leave alone the street language. So here's a compilation of some of the delicacies available on demand, in kibanda language.

1. Chapati dunga - this is where a chapati is rolled and pierced with a fork.

2. chapati dondosa - this is where a chapati is served whole and served while floating on thick soup.

3. chapati msalaba - this is where a chapati is sliced into four equal quarters. The cuttings resemble a cross

4. chapati kifagio- this is where a chapati is sliced into thin many vertical strips

5. chapati chafua- this is where a chapati is sliced into many pieces as possible. Usually they are sliced into squares that are approximately 3.5 centimeteres squared (do the math)

6. chapati mbao/ chapati mawe - this is a dry chapati, those that break easily like a piece of wood

7. ugali saucer/ wembe/discount- that one i know you know

8. ugali mlima- this is an enourmous chunk of ugali served only to proffessionals and is usually served with a warning. "ukikosa kuimaliza, utaongeza kumi".

9. Tumbukiza - this is where meat is overboiled until the meat is very soft. Usually served without salt. Tumbukiza special has no bones

10. kahawa kifo- so you have done kahawa chungu! This is worse. It usually contains lots of "kahawa no 1" and is overboiled till its black. its then served without sugar. Its literrally burnt coffee

11. kaa ndani- this is where a mandazi is made an incision at the side and a delicacy inserted inside of it. So kaa ndani ya sausage is a mandazi with a sausage in it.

12. jembe ya meno- toothpick

13. samaki cassette- this is fish which has bones in it. Its served whole whereby a person starts eating it on one side( side A ).
Once done, its then turned to the other side (side B). A successful completed eating mission is certified once the only thing left on the plate are intact bones of the fish and the head.

14. karare- chapati nusu

15. combat- githeri

16. mix/ missile / kadhalika- this is mchanganyiko of everything on the soup menu. Involves madondo, sukuma, nyama, ndengu etc. Na inasemwa na style, so dont go ati nipatie missile 20!
It goes like "haya, hebu nibonde na chapo mix ya kaufourty, na ikuje chapchap kabla niachwe na ndege"

17. teargas- pilipili

kibanda language

So you have all have been to the mighty kibanda for a selection of mouth watering dishes, but most of you guyz barely understand the logistics of operations there, leave alone the street language. So here's a compilation of some of the delicacies available on demand, in kibanda language.

1. Chapati dunga - this is where a chapati is rolled and pierced with a fork.

2. chapati dondosa - this is where a chapati is served whole and served while floating on thick soup.

3. chapati msalaba - this is where a chapati is sliced into four equal quarters. The cuttings resemble a cross

4. chapati kifagio- this is where a chapati is sliced into thin many vertical strips

5. chapati chafua- this is where a chapati is sliced into many pieces as possible. Usually they are sliced into squares that are approximately 3.5 centimeteres squared (do the math)

6. chapati mbao/ chapati mawe - this is a dry chapati, those that break easily like a piece of wood

7. ugali saucer/ wembe/discount- that one i know you know

8. ugali mlima- this is an enourmous chunk of ugali served only to proffessionals and is usually served with a warning. "ukikosa kuimaliza, utaongeza kumi".

9. Tumbukiza - this is where meat is overboiled until the meat is very soft. Usually served without salt. Tumbukiza special has no bones

10. kahawa kifo- so you have done kahawa chungu! This is worse. It usually contains lots of "kahawa no 1" and is overboiled till its black. its then served without sugar. Its literrally burnt coffee

11. kaa ndani- this is where a mandazi is made an incision at the side and a delicacy inserted inside of it. So kaa ndani ya sausage is a mandazi with a sausage in it.

12. jembe ya meno- toothpick

13. samaki cassette- this is fish which has bones in it. Its served whole whereby a person starts eating it on one side( side A ).
Once done, its then turned to the other side (side B). A successful completed eating mission is certified once the only thing left on the plate are intact bones of the fish and the head.

14. karare- chapati nusu

15. combat- githeri

16. mix/ missile / kadhalika- this is mchanganyiko of everything on the soup menu. Involves madondo, sukuma, nyama, ndengu etc. Na inasemwa na style, so dont go ati nipatie missile 20!
It goes like "haya, hebu nibonde na chapo mix ya kaufourty, na ikuje chapchap kabla niachwe na ndege"

17. teargas- pilipili

Bifwoli in parliament

Bifwoli enters parliament with bandages on his ears, Marende: Hon Member of Bumula,what happened to your ears? Bifwoli: Mr Speaker, I receift a call while ironing an I confused putingi my mopile for the iron pox on my ear (members burst laughing) Marende: Order members! order!! it is not in order to laugh at a collegue. Hon Bifwoli pole..... So what happened to the other ear? Bifwoli: Mr. Speaker,the itiot kolt pak!!

Kikuyu ndani ya mwarabu

An Arab was admitted in the Nairobi Hospital for a heart operation, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring towns.

Finally a Kikuyu was located who had a similar type of blood. The Kikuyu willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery,the Arab sent the Kikuyu as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW 540iL, diamonds, lapis lazuli jewelry, and half a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Kikuyu who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Kikuyu a thank you card and a box of almond chocolate & sweets. The Kikuyu was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Kikuyu 's kind gesture as he had anticipated..

He phoned the Arab and told him, 'I thought this time u would give me Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewelry. But u gave only a card and a box of almond chocolate & sweets. To this the Arab replied 'Can't help it, friend..... Now I have Kikuyu blood in my veins!!

Famous kikuyu words

1.Wheelbarrow – Harrubarow
2.Diesel-Dithoro
3.Sunday school-Sade Skoo
4.Avacado-Macodofia/ovacado
5• Cholmondeley – Koromondo…Shoromondo…Shomondree…AAAAGH, Kamundu kau!!!
6• Charles – sharothi….Jesse – jaythii….Josiah – Johthia….Grace – Girathiii…Coolio – Kuria.
7******EMINEM-Munene
8. Touch Me Lord – Tash Me Rod…
9. In a school context – Agriculture – ngirigasha…Parallelogram – parrrrrrgram….Peripheral – ferferi…Minerals – minroz
10.Walikuja wakishikilia bunduki – Marikuja makishikiria bonoko

Mbuzi

Tajiri kanunua mbuzi! Akamwambia mpishi!

"Nyama nusu ipike pilau na nyingine itie kwenye friza!

Kichwa fanya supu na miguu fanya mchuzi chukuchuku!
Ngozi usitupe tutafanya mswala, utumbo pika na ndizi na mifupa tutawauzia wenye mbwa!"

Mpishi akamuliza:

"Hutaki na sauti ya mbuzi tukichinja tufanye ring tone kwenye simu yako?"

Just for Laughs

And you wonder why the characters in Tahidi High never finish high school!

1. Kamilisha methali hii: Akili ni nywele…

a) Ujinga ni weave

b) Wazimu ni mohawk

c) Kipara ni ngoto

...d) Matuta ni msoto

2. What does Yash Pal Ghai's daughter call her father? - Ghai Fafa!

3. What did Moses say when he saw the burning bush? HELLO-MOTO!

4. What is the opposite of Wetangula – Dryangula

5. Name one place in Kenya where you will find coffee and sugarcane growing. - Kahawa Sukari.

6. Kamilisha methali ifuatayo .... 'Usipoziba woofer , utachoma pia amplifier '

7. Which one of these is not a soap?

a) Esmeralda

b) Days of Our Lives

c) Geisha

d) La Mujer

e)Soy Tu Duena

8. Give an appropriate answer to the following Question: 'Otherwise?'

9. If Moses was a Rastafarian and saw the burning bush,what could he have said?

a) Mo faya

b) Better dan dem

c).Wa’gwan

d) Blo! Blo! Blo

LOVE LETTER IN MATHS

My Dear SweetHeart,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane.There I saw you with our cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated. My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.
The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity. You are as essential to me as an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

Truly Yours

Gairey

Top Ten Reasons why there won't be an Indian US President Anytime Soon

10. White House not big enough for in-laws
9. Engineering, medicine, law and motels always preferred over politics
8. Agarbattis will set off smoke alarms
7. Can't find decent masala dhosa inside the beltway
6. Secret service can't handle nagging from mother
5. Dignitaries generally intimidated by eating with hands at state dinners
4. No chance for promotion
3. Chewing pan masala not considered politically correct
2. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in
1. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles

Riddle

A lady shoots her husband, then holds him under water for five minutes and finally hangs him. Five minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a lovely meal. How can that be?

Answer:

She's a photographer. she shoots her husband with a camera and holds the picture under water to develop it and then hangs it on the wall.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking Along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all Over the blonde.The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get Some toilet paper."After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.The Redhead says, "What's so funny?"The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with That toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

Kaa Rada....

Mke kanunua line ya airtel amsurprise mumewe, Mume amekaa sitting room, mke akaenda jikoni akampigia mume na number mpya akasema "HALLO DARLING", Mume hakuijua number akajibu kwa sauti ya chini "KATA NTAKUPIGIA...! HII NG'OMBE YANGU IKO JIKONI"
..........Tafakari yaliofuata!

Serial Killer

You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"....

Engineer

A software engineer was smoking.
A lady standing nearby said to him 'Can't you see the Warning, Smoking is injurious to health..'
He replied: 'We are bothered only about Errors, not Warnings!!' -> !

Identifying wasted time

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

Blessed and Wonderful moments

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Mommy, Is God Black or White?

One day Little Johnny walks up to his Mom and says, "Mommy, is God Black or White?"

She replies, "Well, Honey, God is both Black and White."

Then he says, "Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?"

"God is both a boy and a girl, Honey," she replies.

"Mommy, is God gay or straight?" he inquires again.

Getting a little irritated, the mother replies, "Well, Honey, God is both gay and straight."

After thinking for a moment, Johnny looks up and asks, "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"

Little Johnny Wants Some Ice Cream

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Advice From Dad

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"

His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"

Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

I Just Want You To Hold Me

I haven't quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never really figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't fee like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.