Toast for the evening
Sammy Thuks hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "What was your toast?" John said," Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."" Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!
September 11 Divorce
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There is this good old barber in downtown Durban , SA. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door. A Kenyan software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Kenyan software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there... Can you guess? Do you know the answer yet? Just Married
Come on, think like a Kenyan....
A dozen Kenyans waiting for a haircut........ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an Attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from.....Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes,"Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out."I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said,"Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
The sky Knows it too
A married couple at the Zoo walks past the gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: "Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior??? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to it and see how horny it gets just as men do".Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla begins to get a hard-on and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. "See - says the woman - "Now I know why you react the way you do, men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can’t”. Says Mark: "Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens”. The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: "This is incredible, now pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum to it and let us see what will happen"!!! The woman pulls her skirt up turns around with her bum to the gorilla which by now, extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: "Mark, what do I do now? Please, help me"!!! Mark replies: "Now give it one of the excuses that you usually give me: - That you don't feel like it- That you have a headache- That you're tired - That your throat is aching - That it is still too early- That I must understand you as a woman- That you are depressed- That you are in one of those days - That you are having a very busy week- That all you need is just to cuddle up- That you're tensed up- That you have to wake up very early tomorrow- That you woke up very early today- That you walked for long and your feet are aching- That caresses and hugs is all that you want today- That you're so tensed up that all you want is a good massage to make you relax- That you feel like watching TV- That you don't wanna miss the soapies- That you're from the Hair salon and therefore you can't move and spoil your hair Go on, explain all that to the gorilla and if it understands, if you can persuade it, then I promise you that from today on I'll accept your excuses"!