Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Three dead men

Three dead men
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. After autopsies, the pathologist calls the police to tell
them what has happened.

"First body: a Mkamba, 60, died of heart failure while making love
to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile,

"Second body: "a Luo, 25, won a hundred thousand shillings in the
sweepstakes, spent it all on whisky & cham. Died of alcohol
poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the pathologist, "this is the most unusual one.
Harvester Khayega, Luhyia from Funyula, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

yawaaaah

Yawaaaah
An American, a Japanese, and a Luo were sitting naked in the
sauna.Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The American presses his
forearm and the beeping stops.
The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he
says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm
to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone.

I have a microchip in my hand."
The Luo, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be
outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns
with a piece of Toilet paper hanging from his butt.
The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"
"I'm receiving a Fax," he explains... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yawaaaaah

Commercialism !

Commercialism !
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all
getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life
would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Nakuru two days after
the wedding.The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom
was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and
got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Mombasa a week after
the wedding,and the card read: "Benson & Hedges".Mom
now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes,and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:
"Extra Long. King Size.She was again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.


The third girl left for her honeymoon to Kakamega Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and
still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card
finally arrived. Written on it with
shaky handwriting were the words "Kenya Airways."
Mom took out her latest Standard Newspaper Digger
Classified pages, flipped through the pages fearing
the worst, and finally found the ad for KQ. The ad
said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted...

How to handle a husband

How to handle a husband
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the
beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long
been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the
man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to
the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my
wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at
the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this
time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said,
"That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse
dead.

I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot
the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

Friday, April 27, 2007

Busted

Busted
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed

the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage to hook up the boat for the
fishing, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The rain was coming down sideways and the wind was blowing 80 kph. I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation and whispered, "the weather out there is terrible!"

Sleepily she replied "can you believe my stupid husband is out there
fishing."

Small and santa

Small and santa
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother
"Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

Chair Man of the Board

Chair Man of the Board
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Different Hell

Different Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country and decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to the German hell and asks, "what do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day". The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the American hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.! Then he comes to the Kenyan hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Kenyan devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asks the man. "Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Kenyan devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.

Dream

Dream
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

Am coming

Am coming
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!

The snake and the new glasses

The snake and the new glasses
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days".The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Little Tohny on Grammar Lesson

Little Tony on Grammar Lesson
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word beautiful in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

Very good, Suzie, replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.

She said, Excellent, Michael! Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful! "


Little Tony on Getting Older

Little Tony on Getting Older
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you not eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat"

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.

Little Tony on Grammar

Little Tony on Grammar
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word ur-i-nate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're at eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

English class

Little tony on English Class
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says,
Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate.
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Good Manners

Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted......

Technology Overdose

Technology Overdose

Johnny

Johnny
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll
give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend..... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up
the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks
what happened...... She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"

Talking Parrots

The Talking Parrots
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.""What do they say?" the priest inquired."They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.""Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

Thursday, April 26, 2007

No More Nerds Allowed

No More Nerds Allowed
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em.

Wrong Email Address

Wrong Email Address
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she look one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a deadfaint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here

Exams

Exams
Four student got good and drunk the night before their big exam and were in no fit state to take the paper.So they conspired to make up a story for the dean.They had gone to awedding and while they were driving back,a tyre on their car had burst,forcing them to spend all night pushing the vehicle home.The dean kindly agreed to postpone the exam for three days and this allowed the stundent ample time to prepare.Turning up confident on the nominated day, the four were puzzled to be sent to separate classrooms where they found a paper with only two questions?
1.Write your name(2 marks).
2.Which tyre burst?(98 marks).

composition

Writing a Composition
In a class,an english teacher asks his students to write a composition about a journey you had.One student wrote: I begun ajourney to mombasa on my RAV 4.the day was bright and was anticipating to be at the destination in good time.somewhere around machakos junction, i had an accident and died.That was the end of the composition.The teacher asked the student,why did you write such a short composition? and the student replied, i died so how could you expect me to continue!

Late Joseph

Late Joseph
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

I've spat

A man at the counter wanted to visit the loo so he didnt want anybody to gulp down his beer when away, so he placed a note next to his bottle which read "i've spat in this beer " and off he went. on coming back he got a reply just below his writin reading "i've spat in this bottle too!"

Two beers

Two beers
A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"

Boobs

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?""Just rub toilet paper between them."Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?""I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Water bed

Be Careful

Be careful what you tell Kids
1ST SCENE Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room, right before their little son.
Daddy: Oh !! You Bitch!!
Mommy: What?? You Bastard!
Son: Daddy, Mommy, what's Bitch and Bastard??
At this moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up something.
Daddy: It means Ladies and Gentlemen, son.
Son: Oh I see!!
2nd SCENE The little son was watching a TV show about premarital sex and there they mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'. Mommy was reading the papers.
Son: Mommy, what's breasts and penises?
At this moment, Mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: "It means coats and hats, son"
Son" Oh I see!!
3rd SCENE Daddy was shaving his beard and the son passed by the toilet, suddenly, Daddy cut himself and screamed....
Daddy: Oh shit!!
Son: Daddy, what's shit?
At this moment, Daddy's eyes bulged, and quickly thought of something to say:
Daddy: "It means shaving cream, son".
Son: Oh I see!!
4th SCENE Christmas is approaching, and Mommy was stuffing the turkey into the stove. The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said...
Mommy: Oh fuck!
Son: Mommy, what's fuck?
At this moment, Mommy froze. She quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: "It means stuffing, son.
Son: Oh I see!!
5th SCENEIt's Christmas eve! Little son exuberantly opened the door to let all his uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house.
Proudly he said...
"Welcome in, Bastards and Bitches! Please put all your breasts and penises at that corner of the house! My parents are busy at the moment.
You see, Daddy is putting shit on his face upstairs and Mommy is fucking the turkey in the kitchen, but don't worry, they'll be out here in a minute!
Everyone fainted!

Kids in a clinic

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!

Tough Life

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

Meaning of period

Meaning of period
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ranaway.

Over and Out

Over and Out


2 freaks

2 freaks
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

Little Johny

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Barber Shop

Barber Shop
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barberlooked around the shop full of customers and said,"About 2 hours." The guy left.A few days later the same guy stuck his head in thedoor and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About3 hours." The guy left.A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shopand asked," How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looked around the shop and said, "About anhour only.” Theguy left. The barber turned to a friend and said,"Hey, Bill, do me a favor, Follow that guy and seewhere he goes.He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,but then he doesn't ever come back". A little whilelater, Bill returned to the shop, laughinghysterically. The barber asked, "So where does thatguy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in hiseyes and said, "To your wife.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Admin Assistant

Admin Assistant
NO speak English There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu.
The poor lady was not very proficient English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy a leg of mutton She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with mutton legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll page down.) What are you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

Vituko Uswahilini

Vituko Uswahilini
A MAN WOKE HIS WIFE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TELLING HER..................................
"Bibi eeh? Bibiye? 'Nashikwa na mkojo!!"
The wife said.............. "Salaalah! Si wende kwani mpaka uniamshe???"
He said "HAYA BIBIYE!!" He came back saying again "BIBIYE! BIBYE! Nataka nikuambie maneno ya ajabu!!"
Now angry for being woken up for the second time.....She said "Salaala! Mwanamume kama hilo tembo huliwezi, usilewe yakhe bwana!! Haya, kitu gani tena cha ajabu ambacho hujaniambia wataka kuniambia tena?"
He said "Nilipokwenda chooni, nilipofungua mlango taa ikawaka na nilipofunga mlango taa ikazimika yenyewe....Si maajabu tena hayo!?!" The wife sat up! & said "Mlanisi, shetwani mjukuu wa Ibilisi Mshenzi weewee, kubafuu!!!!! Ushakojoa tena ndani ya fridge!!!!!!"

Tujivunie kuwa wakenya

Tujivunie kuwa wakenya
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you.
I have some Kenyans up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn and Gold chain is missing, sauce and soup are all over their robes; hammocks. Githeri and Cow-tail bones are all over the streets of Gold; some folk are walking around with one wing, they have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are soda bottles and jwalas all over the clouds, some aren't even wearing their halos, saying it doesn't fit with their images.
Then there's this one who has started a new church -Earth, Wind and Fire Tabernacle of Holy Saints."
The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the devil."
The devil answered the phone, "Hello? What is going on? Hold on one minute." The devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?" The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there." The devil said, "Wait one minute," and put the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?" The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The devil said, "Man, I don't believe.....hold on, Lord". This time the devil was gone for 15 minutes. The devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Kenyans put the fire out, and now they are trying to install air conditioning! They even bribed my guys!!"


Are you a Kenyan???????????

Handling a Husband

How to Handle a Husband
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage."Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained theman. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down tothe bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when mywife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down atthe horse and quietly said, "That's once.""We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, thistime causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said,"That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once.""And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

Busted Wife

Busted Wife
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage to hook up the boat for the fishing, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.The rain was coming down sideways and the wind was blowing 80 kph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a differentanticipation and whispered, "the weather out there is terrible!"Sleepily she replied "can you believe my stupid husband is out there fishing."

morning humour

morning humour
Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."

Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."

Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Husband and Wife

Husband and Wife
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend to death

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

Classic Six Affairs

Classic Six Affairs
The 1st Affair: A married man was having an affair with his secretary One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair: A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair: A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?"
The 4th Affair: A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing"
The 5th Affair: A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair: Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work." IF THIS BRIGHTENED YOUR DAY, DON'T LET IT STOP HERE! PASS IT ON WITH A SMILE

Worse Day

The worsed day of my life?...
John went to a pub, noticed a neighbour with a glass and in deep thought. 5 beers down, the neighbour had not sipped from his glass and so, John decides to make a joke out of that.
He goes to the table, picks the glass and drains the content into his stomach. Looking sad, the neighbour grumbles but before he could talk, John offers to buy him 3 beers. the neighbour shakes his head and say:
"That is not the problem, john. This morning, i woke up really late and when i got to work, i got fired. leaving the office after packing my stuff, i go to the parking lot and my car was stolen. I walk home and guess what meets me? my wife making love to the gatekeeper on the sofa. As if that is not enough for one day, you come here and just drink up all my suicide poison!"

A kamba in appliance store

A kamba in appliance store
*A Kamba went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.*
*"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.*
*"Sorry, we don't sell it to Kambas," he replied.*
*The Kamba hurried home removed his beard and changedhis hair style then*
*came back and again told the salesman. "I would liketo buy this TV."*
*"Sorry, we don't sell to Kambas," Salesman replied.*
*"Damn, he still can recognize me," he thought.*
*He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new*
*outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached*
*the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."*
*"Sorry, we don't sell to Kambas," he replied.*
*Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Kamba?"*
*"That's because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.*

vote of thanks

Amin vote of thanks to the Queen
After a luncheon hosted by the Queen ofEngland in London in his honor, the formerPresident of Uganda, Field Marshal Alhaji AminDada had this to say for his vote of thanks:Mr. Queen Sir, horrible ministers, inventedGuests, ladies under gentlemen, I thank the Queenvery plenty for what she has done to me. I tell you, I have eaten so much that I am now completely fed up with your malicious meal.Before I continue, I would kindly ask youto open the windows so that the climate may get in plenty. But before I go back, I must invite Mr. Queen to my country and I can I assure you Mr. Queen, that when you come, I shall revenge toyou. You will eat a full cow .You will enjoy yourself to the top and I will work very difficult to make sure that you will go back with a very full stomach.For now, I am sorry to tell you that I have just made a short call on you. The next time, I will make a long call, possible for a full moon. Thank you very much Mr. Queen for letting me undress you in front of these disgusting people

A Hawaiian and a Kamba

A Hawaiian and a Kamba
A Hawaiian and a Kamba from Kenya were asked to form a sentence with the words: Green,Pink and Yellow.The Hawaiian wrote:Every morning I put on my Pink shirt, light up my Green cigarette and look at the Yellow sun.The Kamba wrote:Every time I hear the phone ring, "Green! Green!", I pink it up and say,"Yellow! Yellow!"

A Kamba

A kamba
A Kamba proposes to a woman. She says, "Yes, if you'll bring me a pair of crocodile boots."He sets off to Maasai Mara and disappears.Finally a search team finds him hunting a huge crocodile.He walks over to the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims, "The 70th damn croc and this mbugger is also barefeet!"

mluhya

MLUYHA
Masinde approaches the ticket office window at 20TH Century cinema with a chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The lady at the counter wants to know who is going in with him? He replies, "Ni mimi na 'Nekesa' . (the pet chicken of course!")
The lady tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the movie theatre, so Weps goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theatre, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so he unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out - get some air and watch the movie. Sitting next to Masinde is Njeri. She elbows Miriam and whispers, "Miriam, this ka man over here has just unzipped his traos!"Miriam whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....kwani you've never seen a dick before, mbona wasiwasi mingi? Njeri then says, "Yenyewe I know......Lakini this one's eating my POPCORNS!"

Jaluo

Jaluo very wonderful - yawa
Who said Blacks can't speak English? ai yawa?!!!
Jaluo drives into a service station in his battered , Volkswagen clad in shorts, All-Stars, funky beard and i-spoti(small hat). He hands the attendant the keys complete with a beautiful Tupac keyring:
"jaza tank-Super" (jaluo means fillup the tank!)
Attendant: "How much?"
JALUO: "Omera adwaro petrol mar super full tank?" - meaning, hey I said super... full tank!
Attendant: "I only speak English!"
JALUO: "No problem. Good day to you Sir. I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propellant of my motorized vehicle. Therefore,Icordially request you to transfer, from your subterranean reservoir, asufficient quantity of the combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim."
Attendant: "YAWA?"
Jaluo: "Do you have a problem Sir? I thought you said you spoke only English?"
Attendant: "English? That is not English!"
JALUO "My dear Sir, are you veritably attempting to insinuate that you do not even recognise the language which you allege to be your singular means of communication? "
Attendant: "AN'GO
AI YAWA!

kamau in uk

Kamau in UK
Kamau goes to a bar in London .
A man to Kamau's left tells the Bartender,"
JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Kamau and asks," AND YOU, SIR?"
Kamau replies: "Paul Kamau, MARRIED

Kikuyu obituary

Kikuyu obituary
The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call.
The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"
"5 shillings per word, Ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, Ma'am."

"OK, write this: 'Mwangi died.'"

"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."

"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that."

A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"

"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, print this: 'Mwangi died, Toyota for sale.

beware of shadows

Beware of shadows


Pharmacist

Pharmacist
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, couldyou give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; hereturns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister isvery cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turnsback and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and sinceshe invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there,the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinnerand thank you for all you give us."A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. Theothers look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even moresurprised than the others.She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!" Ooooooh!!

pictures

I want my pictures back
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

letter

A letter from a mother to her son
My dear Jagjit, I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in thenewspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved20miles.I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would nothave to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be ableto take our earlier address plate here, and that our address willremain same too. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situatedright above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I putin 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The First time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be alittle too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so wecut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cuttingthe grass at the cemetery.By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash.He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it isa girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated himand he burned for three days.Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill hisfather's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging agrave for his father.There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Love - Mom.
P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter

ngothaless

Ngothaless
This is too honest! HeeeheeeheeeJust imagine .....
A lady lost three panties in her house & blamed her maid in front of the husband, the maid replied:
"Baba Dennis, ......... si wewe unajua vizuri mimi hua sivai suruali!!"

Kiroro

Drinking
Mwangi and Maundu wanted to go out drinking, but they only had Ksh.200 between them. Maundu said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Mwangi said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Maundu replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
They went into the Velvet Lounge where Maundu immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.
Mwangi said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"
Maundu replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Maundu said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth bar, Mwangi said, "Maundu, I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!" Maundu said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

kids

Kids


Endless Love

Endless Love
Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching
the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "The good old days,"
when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said,
"Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used
to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther,
"Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes
lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering
kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how,
after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"


Baboons
A group of baboons was seen tossing around a piece of paper, laughing their lungs out. It was lat er discovered that they had picked up your pay slip.

crazy jokes

The worsed day of my life?...
ohn went to a pub, noticed a neighbour with a glass and in deep thought. 5 beers down, the neighbour had not sipped from his glass and so, John decides to make a joke out of that.
He goes to the table, picks the glass and drains the content into his stomach. Looking sad, the neighbour grumbles but before he could talk, John offers to buy him 3 beers. the neighbour shakes his head and say:
"That is not the problem, john. This morning, i woke up really late and when i got to work, i got fired. leaving the office after packing my stuff, i go to the parking lot and my car was stolen. I walk home and guess what meets me? my wife making love to the gatekeeper on the sofa. As if that is not enough for one day, you come here and just drink up all my suicide poison!"


Hair cut










Healing with Laughter

Toast for the evening

Sammy Thuks hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "What was your toast?" John said," Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."" Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!



September 11 Divorce













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Kenya Spirit

There is this good old barber in downtown Durban , SA. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door. A Kenyan software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Kenyan software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there... Can you guess? Do you know the answer yet?

Come on, think like a Kenyan....

A dozen Kenyans waiting for a haircut........ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Just Married


























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Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an Attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from.....”Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes,"Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out."I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said,"Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)



Doctors compassion





















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Loving Husband

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."



The sky Knows it too

















The Gorilla

A married couple at the Zoo walks past the gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: "Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior??? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to it and see how horny it gets just as men do".Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla begins to get a hard-on and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. "See - says the woman - "Now I know why you react the way you do, men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can’t”. Says Mark: "Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens”. The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: "This is incredible, now pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum to it and let us see what will happen"!!! The woman pulls her skirt up turns around with her bum to the gorilla which by now, extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: "Mark, what do I do now? Please, help me"!!! Mark replies: "Now give it one of the excuses that you usually give me: - That you don't feel like it- That you have a headache- That you're tired - That your throat is aching - That it is still too early- That I must understand you as a woman- That you are depressed- That you are in one of those days - That you are having a very busy week- That all you need is just to cuddle up- That you're tensed up- That you have to wake up very early tomorrow- That you woke up very early today- That you walked for long and your feet are aching- That caresses and hugs is all that you want today- That you're so tensed up that all you want is a good massage to make you relax- That you feel like watching TV- That you don't wanna miss the soapies- That you're from the Hair salon and therefore you can't move and spoil your hair Go on, explain all that to the gorilla and if it understands, if you can persuade it, then I promise you that from today on I'll accept your excuses"!