Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Eat the watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Celebrating an event

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Pig misunderstanding

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth." lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

Try to grow chickens

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Visiting a rural farm

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

Very hostile farmer

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

The Best Pub

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.''

The Scot is not impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed.

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.''

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies ''No, but my sister told me about it.''

On the Way Home

One fine day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.

"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Three smart wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Revenge Is Sweet

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.

The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.

They tried everything; cleaned &mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in; the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving Company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...

...including the curtain rods.

Three Engineers

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Mistaken Identity

A man went into a bar. The bartender said to the guy, "What can I get you?"

"Make it a whisky," said the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.

"That will be three dollars," said the bartender.

"Says you!" said the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."

"Get out," said the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your business."

Anyway, two years later, the same man went back to the same bar with the same bartender.

The bartender looked at him and said, "You're the jerk who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?"

"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," said the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"

"Sorry. My mistake," said the bartender. "You must have a double."

"Hey thanks, dude!" said the customer. "Make it a whisky."

Jill's Legs

A new bar opens and the owner can't think of a name. He decides to name the bar after the 3rd person who walks in. It takes dosen't take long and soon the 3rd customer walks in.

The owner jumps up and walks over to the girl. “You're the 3rd person to enter my bar and I'm going to name it after you.”

“Okay,” she says, “My name is Jill.”

The owner looks her over and says, “I like your legs so I'm going to name the bar 'Jill's Legs'”

The next day a bum is sitting outside the bar and a cop askes him what he's doing.

He answers, “Waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a drink!”

Homebrewer's night before christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was thirsty, including the mouse... The beer steins were empty, and the bottles were too. The beer had been guzzled with no time to brew.

My family was nestled all snug in their beds While visions of Christmas Brew foamed in their heads. Mama in her kerchief lamented the drought, She craved a pilsner and I, a stout.

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my recliner to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen, I flew like a flash, Opening the door with a loud bang and crash!

I threw on the switch and the lights, all aglow, Gave a luster of mid-day to the brew-pot below. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear But Gambrinus himself, the patron of beer.

With a look in his eye, so lively and quick, He said, "You want ale? Well, here, take your pick." More rapid than eagles, his recipes came As he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

"Now, Pilsner! Now, Porter! Now, Stout and Now Maerzen! On, Bitter! On, Lager! On, Bock and On Weizen!" "To the top of the bottles, the short and the tall, Now brew away, brew away, and fill them all!"

As dried hops before a wild hurricane fly, And then, without warning, settle down with a sigh, So towards the brew-pot, the ingredients flew, Malt extract, roasted barley and crystal malt, too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard it quite plain, The cracking open of each barley grain. As I drew in my head and was turning around, Into the kitchen, he came with a bound.

He was dressed like a knight, from his head to his toes, With an old family crest adorning his clothes. A bundle of hops, he had flung on his back, And the brewing began when he opened his pack.

His hops were so fragrant! His barley, how sweet! The adjuncts included Munich malt and some wheat. The malted barley was mashed in the tun, Then boiled with hops in the brew-pot 'till done.

Excitement had me gnashing my teeth, As the sweet smell encircled my head like a wreath. Beer yeast was pitched, both lager and ale, The wort quickly fermented, not once did it fail.

It was then krausened, or with sugar primed, And just being bottled when midnight had chimed. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know, I'd be shortly in bed.

He spoke not a word but kept on with his work, And capped all the bottles, then turned with a jerk. And laying a finger alongside his nose, He belched (quite a burp!) before he arose.

Clean-up was easy, with only a whistle, And away the mess flew, like the down on a thistle. And I heard him exclaim, 'ere he left me the beer, "Merry Christmas to all and a HOPPY New Year!"

The Anniversary

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it once more for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

A police officer is sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this . . . two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by a walking stick.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!"

He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching, thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it at your age? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't
electric! "

The Cruise

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.

The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms.

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.

The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.

The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

Stir the spagetti

A young girl had just got married and was upstairs with her husband. He was undressing and took off his shirt. Well, he had hair on his chest.

The girl ran downd the steps into the kitchen with her mother, and said ma ma ma he has hair all over his chest. The mother said thats ok, lots of men have hair all over their chest. Now let me stir the spagetti, go up to your husband.

Now the man was taking off his pants and she noticed he had hair all over his legs and body!

She runs down the stairs screaming ma ma, ma ma, he has hair all over his body! The mother says, thats ok lots of men have hair all over their body, now let me stir the spagetti and you go back up there with your husband.

Well he was taking off his shoes and socks. Unfortunately, when he was in the war, he had half his foot cut off.

The girl ran down to her mother screaming ma ma, ma ma, he only has a foot and a half! Ma ma said, here you stir the spagetti, I'll go up...

Woman Takes A Lover

A women takes a lover.

One day the lover is over at the womens house and they are upstairs making love. A little while later little Johnny comes home unexpectedly and finds the mother and lover in bed. So little Johnny goes into the bedroom closet to watch.

A short time later, the husband comes home unexpectedly and the wife tells the lover to get in the closet.

After a few moments little Johnny speaks out and says to the lover, "Dark in here isn't it?", to which the stunned lover replies, "Yes it is".

Little Johnny says, 'You know I have a baseball." The lover says, "Thats nice." Little Johnny says "Would you like to buy it", the lover says "Not really". Little Johnny says "You know my daddy is outside". The lover says "Ok how much?". Little Johnny says 20 dollars and the lover says "20 Dollars!", and then remembers his situation and pays him.

Couple of weeks later, the women has the lover over again and they are upstairs making love when little Johnny comes home unexpectedly. He sees them in bed and goes into the closet to watch.

A short time later the husband comes home unexpectely and the women tells the lover to get in the closet. After a few seconds little Johhny says, "Dark in here isn't it?", to which the stunned lover replies, "Yes it is".

Little Johhny says, you know I have a baseball glove, and the lover remembering the previous discussion with little Johnny, says "How Much? Little Johnny says 50 dollars. The lover pays the money.

A couple of days later the husband comes home early from work and says, "Johnny get your ball and glove and we will play catch." Little Johnny says "I cant' daddy, I sold them." The husband says "You did? How much did you get for them?" Little Johnny replies, seventy dollars. The husband says, "Johnny, thats not right, you cannot take advantage of your friends like that, and you must go to confession."

The husband marches little Johnny down to the church and sets little Johnny inside the confessional and steps away.

Soon thereafter the priest enters the other side and waits for Little Johnny's confession. After a short silence, little Johnny says, "Dark in here isn't it?", and the priest says, "Don't start that crap in here!"

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Alcohol Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:


WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The Modest Man

The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last
test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the
bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed
up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly
face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by
the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing
and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard ask:
"What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out
of a ghost."

A Very Puzzled Blonde

John gets a distressed phone call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the cornflakes back in the box."

A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm

A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm when one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his grandfather playing with himself.
The boy says, "What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?"
Grandpa replies, "No sonny, just jacking!"

Indian Chief

One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his
warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "Big
Chief, no shit". the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chief
should be fine tomorrow.

The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. the next morning
the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no
shit". the doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the
chief.

The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet again
saying "big chief, no shit". the doctor gets annoyed and so gives the
warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.

The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):

"Big shit, no chief".

Four Nuns

   Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the
inspection. The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter
says:"You see the bowl
of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says:"I have to
confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in.
Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St.Peter goes there,
pulls them apart, asks
*What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she
washes her ass in there.

Heavy Drinking Husband

A fellow's wife was very worried about her husband's heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. "Ooooooo!" she wailed, "I am the Devil!"

He sticks out his hand..."Put it there, pal," he says, "I am married to your sister."

The Balcony

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of
his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the
manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied
"the balcony."

Miracle Spray

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car, and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.

She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: Are you ready for this?

"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

A Blind Man in a Store

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"

The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Ears lookin at you!

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show.

The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?"

The guy says, "Well damn! You got no ears man!"

So the boss yells, "Get out!"

The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?"

The guy says, "That's easy, you got no ears!"

So the boss says, "Get out!"

As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it."

So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?"

The guy says, "Your wearing contacts!"

And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?"

So the guy replies, "Well darn, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."

Seconds to live

Man walks into the Doctors office.

"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.

The Man asks "How long do I have to live?"

"Ten", replies the Doctor.

"What the hell does that mean", the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"

The Doctor Replies "Nine"

A Son's Love

Only in Ireland

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply,
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

Bad Memory

One elderly couple is visiting another for supper. The two women go into the kitchen for a moment, leaving the men to talk.

One of the men says to the other, "The Mrs. and I went to the nicest restaurant last night."

"Is that right?" the other inquires, "What was it called?"

"That's just it," he replies "I can't recall. "Say, what's the name of that red flower that has thorns all over it?"

"A rose?" he responds.

"YEAH, THAT'S IT!" he says energetically.

He then whirls around and yells into the kitchen, "Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night!?"

Johnny & the bus driver

Little Johnny has a speech impediment. His father taught to him to always be polite to people.

The first day of school, Johnny gets on the bus, remembering what his father told him, says to the bus driver, "Doog moaning buth driber,"

The bus driver slaps him in the mouth, and sends him to the back of the bus.

This goes on for four days.
Finally, Johnny tells his father the problem, "Fatter you tell me to be pollite, but when I do the buth driber shlaps my in ma faith."

His father says, "Tomorrow I will wait at the bus with you."

The next day, there they are waiting for the bus. When it arrives Johnny’s father says, "Go on Johnny get on the bus and be polite."

Johnny does but looks to his father with fear in his eyes.

His father says, "Go on Johnny."

So Johnny, wanting to be as polite as possible says, "Doog moaning buth driber."

With that the bus driver raises his hand in an attempt to strike Johnny in the face, but before he can Johnny father grabs the drivers hand.

He asks, "Why do you smack my son, when all he is doing is being polite?"

The bus driver says, "Betause heeth making fun of me"

Final examination

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

Pass the salt darling

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his date by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "She must have really put an impression on you for you to keep calling her those little pet names."

The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name.

All Aboard

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Never forget a face

I never forget a face!

But in your case I'll make an exception!



Venison Anyone

Mom cooked venison (deer meat) for supper. The kids, Johnny and Susie, thought it was delicious, but didn't know what it was.

"What is this, Mom?" asked Susie.

Mom replied, "You'll have to guess. But I'll give you a clue. It's what I call your father sometimes."

Johnny yells, "Spit it out sis! It's asshole! It's asshole!"



Three Engineers and Three Accountants

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train.

The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all).

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Monday, June 25, 2007

Playing mommy and daddy

A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother for some ice cream.

The mother is having a bad day and snaps, "NO!". The little boy turns and runs into his room.

After a minute, the mother feels bad she snapped and knocks on his door.

"Johnny, I'm sorry I snapped at you. Do you want to play a game or something?"

"Sure," Johnny replies. "How about we play Mommy and Daddy?"

"OK," says the mother. "How do we play?"

"You go upstairs and lay down on your bed."

The mother figures this is harmless, so she agrees and goes upstairs.

Meanwhile, Johnny rummages throught the closet and finds his dad's hat and coat. He digs in the ashtray to find a long cigarette butt.

After dressing and putting the cigarette in his mouth, he swaggers up the stairs.

There, on the bed, is his mother. Johnny marches in, walks up to the bed, and says, "Get your butt out of bed and get that kid some ice cream!"

School girl job

Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth. He was always saying something off color or suggestive.

One day after class, Sally approaches his desk with a flock of girls in tow.

"Mr. Brown," she said, "We are tired of your filthy remarks and we aren't going to put up with in anymore! The next time you say something nasty in class, we are all going to complain to the principal."

Mr. Brown was silent and the girls stormed off thinking they had cowed him.

The next day as everyone arrives in class, Mr. Brown is reading the newspaper.

The bell rings, but he continues to read. Finally, he looks up and says, "Oh girls, you should find this interesting. The government is recruiting whores to go to Afghanistan and screw the servicemen over there for $100 a day."

All at once the girls get up and head for the door.

"Wait a minute!" shouted Mr. Brown. "The boat doesn't leave till Thursday!"

It's dark in here

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in agreed to the price.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds,acknowledging his dis-advantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.
 

Hockey

Three guys from Carolina died and went to hell.

Satan went to check on them and saw that they had their shirts off and didn't mind the heat, so he turned up the heat.

He went to check on them again and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn't mind the heat.

Satan went and turned the temperature down to minus twenty.

Satan went to check on them and he saw that they were in their coats cheering.

He went up to them and asked why they were cheering.

One of them yelled out "Hell
froze over, the Hurricanes must have won the cup!"

Who died the worst death?

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today.

The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon to check to see if I could catch her in the act.

When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there.

The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the jerk hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall.

So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the idiot.

He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed on top of the guy and killed him.

Then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge.

Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands.

I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp!

I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

Wee willie's excuse

Wee Willie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time. Willie?" he asked sarcastically, "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Wee Willie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.

Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office, and here I am!"

"You'll have to do better than that, Willie," said his boss, disappointed, "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

Big Babby

A Canadian is drinking in a New England bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, then he announces his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canadian just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks? Like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around; many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard,and one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you?? So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says .......

"Had him circumcised".

Grenade

Three men who are in a car which is about to crash, all decide to throw out one valuable item.

The first person throws out a rock, the second throws out a pen, and the third throws out a grenade.

Their car crashes and they survive it. They all start walking back to get their valuable item.

The first man sees a little girl crying and asks her, "Little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl replies, "Someone threw a rock at me!"

The second guy sees a little boy crying and asks him, "Little boy, why are you crying?" The little boy replies, "Someone threw a pen at me and poked me in the eye!"

The third guy sees a fat kid laughing really hard and so he asks him, "Hey kid, why are you laughing so hard?" The fat kid replies, "I farted and my house blew up."

Three Wishes

One day an old lady was sitting at her old home with her old dog. A fairy suddenly pops up next to her. It tells her, "You have lived a good life. I will now grant you three magic wishes."

The old women thinks for a minute, and then makes up her mind. She says, "My first wish is that I will be young and beautiful again." POOF! She is.

"My second wish is that I am very rich and live in a mansion." POOF! Her tattered, old house becomes a magnificent mansion, and she is the richest person in the world.

"My third wish is that my old dog will become a handsome young man and will be deeply in love with me." POOF! The old, mangy dog becomes what she wishes,a handsome man, with a beautiful face, and tender longing eyes.

He then leans over and whispers into her ear, "Honey, aren't you sad you got me fixed?"

Talk like a frog

A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, "grandpa, talk like a frog."

The Grandpa replied "What?, I'm not going to talk like a frog!"

The little boy again asked, "come on, Grandpa talk like a frog please."

Grandpa again said "No! Go bother your grandmother."

The little boy finally gave up and left.

A little while later the little boy's sister came in and said "Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me?"

Grandpa of course replied, "NO!"

The little girl then said "Please grandpa will you talk just like a frog"?

Grandpa was very disturbed by now and said, "what is it with you and your brother, why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?"

The little girl looked at her grandpa and said "Well last night daddy told us that when you croak we are going to go to Disney World."

Saturday, June 23, 2007

The Refund

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.

Along came this lady, who when seeing the 2 cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

Cold Water

A boy went to visit his grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.

So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Well, later that day, the boy offered to out and get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl, and would not let the boy pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your ass out of the way!"

The Race

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Afternoon Bike Ride

It was Kelly and Patrick giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.

After a wee bit, Kelly who was sitt'n behind Patrick on the bike began to holler ..."Patrick ... Patrick ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Kelly my lad," said Patrick, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Kelly took Patrick's advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.

After a bit, Patrick turned to talk to Kelly and was horrified to see that he was not there. Patrick immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route.

When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Kelly who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Patrick hailed to the farmers.

"Well," said one of the farmers, "he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

Sexual obsession

A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex."

The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings.

First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says "sex".

Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex.

Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe thhat you have an obsession with sex."

To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

Irritated Teacher

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him?

The old poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Fifi, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Fifi discovers that she's lost.

Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

Fifi thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, Fifi exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So off he goes, but Fifi sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, Fifi sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, Fifi says, "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Friday, June 22, 2007

Lack Of Tact

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

Father Of Who

A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?"

The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids".

The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?" "You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my bare ass with a whip?"

The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher".

20 Dollars

20 dollars
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

trying to prove a point

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

A DAY ON THE SICK

An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning:
"I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."
On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage:
"well, just how sick are you?"
"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"

A STORY ABOUT EVERYBODY

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

On The Bus

There was a man on the bus and he was sitting down when a fat lady said 'if u were a
gentleman you would stand up and let someone else sit down'and he said 'and if you
weren't so fat you would stand up and let 4 people sit down'

Butt

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them ,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"


Tough Life

A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.

The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is… in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.

He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, “Hey man… I’ve been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm… Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What’s your deal?

The guy with No arms says, “Arrrrr… dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!

Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.

Blonde Robbery

A blonde was driving home when a guy pulled her over. The guy says, “Get out of the car and stand in this circle or something awful is going to happen to you.”

So, while the blonde is standing in the circle the guy is going through her car and transporting it to his car. Then the blonde started laughing hysterically. The guy asks, "Why are you laughing? The blonde ignores him and he says, “Whatever…” and continues to rob her car.

The blonde starts laughing again. "Why R U laughing again!" She again ignores him. Then just as the guy is about to drive away, the blonde starts laughing a third time

"Ok… that’s it… What’s your problem,” the guy shouts???

"Well, the blonde says, “When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times!

Getting Flowers

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Rooster in His Declining Years

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.

"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.

After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

The Great Wiener Caper

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the streets of New York, when they decided that they were beginning to get sober. They checked their pockets to see how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25.

Finally after a period of deep and intense thought, one of the men got an idea. He went to a hot dog stand, bought a hot dog, and went to a bar to begin drinking. They did shot after shot, until the bartender told the two that if they wanted any more drinks they better show him that they had some money to pay for them. The man with the hot dog opened his zipper and put the wiener through the opening. He had his friend get down and start sucking on it. The bartender cursed them and made them leave. They went to bar after bar with this routine until they were dog drunk. They staggered out into the streets, satisfied and wasted.

"Man," one of the drunks said, "I've got to admit, that hot dog trick worked great."

"Actually," the second drunk said, "I ate the hot dog at the second bar!"

College Rules

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time
will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass?"

Rub It

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"

Punk and A Parrot

One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him.

"What you staring at, old man? Ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?"

"Yeah. I screwed a parrot once. I was wondering if you were my son?"

Three Wishes Each for a Bear and a Rabbit

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

JALUO LOVE LETTER

My Sweet Theoretica,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in a trigonometric
lane of life. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and
spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my
heart was a null set, but when a vector from your eyes at a deviation of
theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you
can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love
for you extends to infinity. I promise that I will not resolve you into
partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the
limits from zero to infinity. You are as essential to me as an element
to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute
personality.

My love, if you do not meet me at Parabola Restaurant on date 10 at

sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees to the ground,
my heart would be like an unsolved polynomial equation of 10 degrees.

With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of
an unknown function.

Yours ever loving,

Pythagoras

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Parking a Rolls Royce

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.

Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"

The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

Caller and HelpDesk

Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?
HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Sum of 2 and 3

What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples?
A senior high school math problem.

Calculate the No. of Rabbits


Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

The Sheep

The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

Trouble Teaching Arithmetic

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy.
So she said, "if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel,
and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants."

Marketing

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed, what about it?"
That's Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. You approach her to get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed, what about it?"
That's Telemarketing.

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. Your friend goes to her and says, "Hi, my friend over there is fantastic in bed, what about it?"
That's Advertising.

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. You get up, straighten your clothes, approach her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after it drops, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. She comes over and says, "Hi, I hear you're fantastic in bed, what about it?"
That's the power of Branding!

The secret of a pregnant Woman

A young woman, several months pregnant, boarded a bus and sat opposite a young man, he smiled, and feeling embarrassed she changed her seat. But it was to no avail, for the young man smiled even more broadly when she sat down. Again she moved to another seat, he grinned and again after the fourth move, the young man just rolled up and roared with laughter. The woman complained and duly summoned him.

Judge: Well, young man, have you anything to say in your defense against this charge?

The young man: Well, your Honor, when the young lady entered the bus, her condition was obvious. However, that did not prompt my smile, but she sat under an advertisement that read: "Coming shortly - The Gold Rush Twins." The lady seemed indignant when I smiled and she got up and took another seat beneath a shaving stick advertisement, which read: "William's stick did the trick." She moved a third time and sat beneath a poster that read: "Sloane's liniments will remove swelling." It was after she had moved her seat fourth time that I lost control of my merriment for the above was a slogan: "Dunlop Rubber Goods would have prevented this accident."

Two Little Boys

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

Fishing

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York
and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing
over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That
poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can
help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,
"What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with
me?"

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger
to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine
cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man,
and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke
ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

New Employee

A veteran employee begins training the newest employee at the supercenter. "To be a salesman you have to understand what the customer needs use that to your advantage."

In order to explain this better the veteran decides to show him. He walks up to a man buying a new lawnmower and ask if he'd like to buy some grass seed and fertilizer too. The customer obliges and a sale that would have been 200 dollars became 250.

The new employee thinks he understands and proceeds to find a customer and make a sale.

Later that afternoon the veteran ask what the biggest sales gain he had was. The young man says that the sale was origionally 10 dollars but increased to 260 dollars.

Dumfounded the veteran asked how he did it. "well", says the kid,"a man walked in to buy a box of tampons. I told him that his weekend looked shot so he should mow the lawn."