Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Twist Again..

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'

Monday, October 29, 2007

She Was So Blonde

It’s not just your momma who’s got to worry about these jokes, even blonde’s arent safe (when were they?) anymore. Kinda of an adaption of the “Yo Momma’s So Stupid” jokes with some new additions. So, without further ado - She Was So Blonde

  • she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
  • she tripped over a cordless phone.
  • when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left”, she turned around and went home.
  • she thought General Motors was in the Army.
  • she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
  • she got stabbed during a shoot-out.
  • she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
  • under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics”.
  • she tried to drown a fish.
  • when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
  • she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
  • she thought she needed a token to get on “Soul Train”.
  • she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “concentrate”.
  • she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DONT WALK”.
  • they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
  • at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here,” she put “Sagittarius”.
  • she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
  • it takes her two hours to watch “60 Minutes”.
  • she thought a quarterback was a refund.
  • she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
  • she thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.
  • she sold the car for gas money.
  • when she saw the movie rating “NC-17: under 17 not admitted”, she went home and got 16 friends.
  • when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
  • she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
  • she studied for a blood test-and failed.

If you have anymore, feel free to add them as a comment.

Teacher's Gift

A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice red
apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T. Knowing that she had
some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked,
"Can someone explain what T.O T. means?"Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain, "It means To Our Teacher." The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it. She asks for an explanation for this note and
little Johnny waves his hand to explain, "That means "To Our Teacher With Love".
The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on her desk with a tag saying "F.U.C.K." Her jaw drops and she screams, "Who can explain this?" Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says,

That means "From Us Colored kids!"

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Do The Screw

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Lewis goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Mary Jane’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Lewis.

Mary Jane’s father asks Lewis what they’re planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Mary Jane’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane’s Dad to repeat it. “Yeah,” says Mary Jane’s father, “Mary Jane really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Lewis’ eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

“Dammit Daddy! It’s called the TWIST!”

A blonde of her way to Houston

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I’m blond, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston
and I’m staying right here."

the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat the co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I’m sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he
said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, "first class isn't going to Houston.”

Thursday, October 18, 2007

My Stomach Hurts

A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.

The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

“What’s the matter hun?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

MARRIAGE ONE-LINER JOKES

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".

God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

Three Guys Go to Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

Monday, October 15, 2007

A Great Flood

It had been raining for days and days, and a great flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. “No,” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.” So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. “Climb in!” shouted a man in the boat. “No,” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.” So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. “No,” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.” So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. “Heavenly Father,” he said, “I had faith in you… I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?” God gave him a puzzled look, and replied “I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”

11th Time Is The Charm

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

Well…

  • “Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
  • Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
  • Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
  • Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
  • Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
  • Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
  • Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
  • Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
  • Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
  • Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
  • “Good,” said the new husband, “But… why?”

    “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

    Tuesday, October 09, 2007

    Not the President

    One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

    The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

    The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush".

    The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

    The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

    The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President anymore and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

    The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow"

    Buy some Grapes and Some Doughnuts

    A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you."

    "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

    "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

    They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

    Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."

    The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us."

    "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... "

    Monday, October 08, 2007

    Parent's Wedding Anniversary

    A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

    "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one.. "Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

    "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we’re all together today."

    Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

    "It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."

    Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

    After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

    The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

    "Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

    Maths Problems


    To My Dear Wife:

    You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please do not be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

    When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table.


    My Dear Husband:

    I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

    Fishing Trip

    A man calls his wife and says to her, "Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?" "Sure, honey," his wife answers."Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas?" "Sure, honey," his wife answers again. The man comes home, picks up his things and takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets him at the front door. "So honey, how was your fishing trip?"
    "It was great..." the husband answers. "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas." "No I didn't," said his wife. "They were in your tacklebox."

    Some Uselessly Useful Facts

    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Hardly seems worth it.

    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Now that’s more like it!

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. Yikes.

    A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. In my next life, I want to be a pig.

    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. Creepy. I’m still not over the pig.

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. Don’t try this at home… maybe at work.

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. Honey, I’m home. What the…

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. 30 minutes… lucky pig! Can you imagine?

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day. I still want to be a pig in my next life… quality over quantity. How about a lionhearted pig?

    Butterflies taste with their feet. Something I always wanted to know.

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. Hmmmmmm…

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?

    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. Okay, so that would be a good thing.

    A cat’s urine glows under a black light. I wonder who was paid to figure that out?

    An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. I know some people like that.

    Starfish have no brains. I know some people like that too.

    Polar bears are left-handed. If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. What about that pig?

    Four Fruits

    In a contest, four fruits (an apple, a banana, an orange, and a pear) have been placed in four closed boxes (one fruit per box). People may guess which fruit is in which box. 123 people participate in the contest. When the boxes are opened, it turns out that 43 people have guessed none of the fruits correctly, 39 people have guessed one fruit correctly, and 31 people have guessed two fruits correctly.

    The Riddle : How many people have guessed three fruits correctly, and how many people have guessed four fruits correctly?

    The Answer: It is not possible to guess only three fruits correctly: the fourth fruit is then correct too! So nobody has guessed three fruits correctly and 123-43-39-31 = 10 people have guessed four fruits correctly.

    Thursday, October 04, 2007

    I’m Glad I’m A Man

    I’m Glad I’m A Man
    I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
    I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
    I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
    I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
    I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers
    and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.

    I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
    I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
    and I don’t go around checking my reflection
    in everything shiny from every direction.
    I don’t whine in public and make us leave early
    and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

    I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing
    I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
    I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back
    I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
    I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
    or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
    I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too
    I know what the time is and I know what to do.

    And I honestly think its a privilege for me
    to have these two balls and stand when I pee
    I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
    It’s more fun than dealing with women after all
    I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work
    I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
    Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
    I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.

    Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see
    I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery
    I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days
    I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
    I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
    I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!

    I’m Glad I’m A Woman

    I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
    I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
    I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
    I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
    I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
    and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

    I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
    my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
    and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
    or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
    I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
    I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

    I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
    I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
    It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
    When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
    And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
    I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
    Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
    I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

    And I honestly think its a privilege for me
    to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
    I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
    I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
    I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
    stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
    or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
    then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

    Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
    you can forget all about that old penis envy
    I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
    join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
    I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
    I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

    Wednesday, October 03, 2007

    The Popular Mule

    A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

    At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

    The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

    Oooolllllld Lawyer

    A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

    Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

    The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

    St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

    Tuesday, October 02, 2007

    Little Red Riding Hood - Politically Correct Version

    There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

    She lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother”, although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

    One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house.

    “But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?”

    Red Riding Hood’s mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

    “But mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?”

    Red Riding Hood’s mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

    “But mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry the basket, since he’s an oppressor, and should learn what it’s like to be oppressed?”

    And Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights of community.

    “But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?”

    But Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her grandmother wasn’t actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called “health”.

    Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

    Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

    Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to “come out” of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

    On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

    She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

    Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

    She replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.”

    The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

    Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.”

    Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house.

    But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house.

    He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

    Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

    Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.”

    The Wolf said softly “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”

    Red Riding Hood said, “Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!”

    “You forget that I am optically challenged.”

    The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

    “Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!”

    The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

    At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe.

    “Hands off!” cried the woodchopper.

    “And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams.”

    “Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!” screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

    “Thank goodness you got here in time,” said the Wolf. “The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.”

    “No, I think I’m the real victim, here,” said the woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I’m going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?”

    “Sure,” said the Wolf.

    “Thanks.”

    “I feel your pain,” said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said “Do you have any Maalox?”