Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Friday, February 29, 2008

A bad conductor

A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?""Yes", answers the executioner."Can I have that green banana?"The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.

When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go then?", the man asks."I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".

The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.

The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner."Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas.

When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time.

The man sits down in the chair smiling."What's your final wish?", asks the executioner."Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair.

When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"

Married Bar Talk

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ … and she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

Snakebit - What Are Friends For?


Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten in the butt by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor there delivering a baby.

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries in agony.

“He says you’re gonna die.”

Monday, February 25, 2008

Tough Love

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

Saturday, February 23, 2008

How To Tell If Your Feet Stink.

Friday, February 22, 2008

I Know The Answer, Sir!


While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

Bush nods: “Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

Bush poses the question: “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?”

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dumb shit, it’s Tony Blair!”


Thursday, February 21, 2008

One Timers

Just some random thoughts… things to think about while you’re sitting in your office chair staring at the computer while you really should be doing something else. These were sent in by some of our readers over the last few months and I put a few of them together for ya. Enjoy…

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? And if they aren’t you really needed to take a bath.
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And if you have any, send them to us!
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you!

If you have anymore, feel free to add them in the comments section. You know you want to. C’mon, all the cool kids are doin’ it.

Play Where it Lies

2 duffers were standing at the first tee , agreeing to play the ball as it lay for the round. The first golfer hit a beautiful tee shot 250 yards down the middle of the fairway. The second golfer was not so lucky, shanking his shot dead right with the ball coming to rest dead center on the cartpath.

“I get free relief from the cartpath”, the second golfer said. “Like hell you do,” said the first golfer, “We’re playing it as it lies, remember?” So they hop in the cart, and the second golfer drops the first in the middle of th fairway at his ball. Then he heads over to the cartpath to hit his shot.

The first golfer, looking back, begins to laugh to himself as he sees the first golfer making a nice amount of sparks on the concrete as he took his practice swing. Then with another array of sparks, the first golfer nails his shot straight at the green. The ball lands softly and stops three feet from the pin. Then he casually gets in the cart and drives back to the first golfer. “Great shot”, says the first golfer. “What club did you use?”

The second golfer smiles and says, “Your six iron”.

7 reasons not to mess with children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Thursday, February 14, 2008

A Special Robot

One day Kelvin's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that
it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.

Kelvin returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son
why are you late from school?"

Kelvin answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today". Much to his
astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kelvin on his face.

His dad told him, "Son this robot is special in that it can detect a lie
and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth.

Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went to a movie"
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments"
Immediately, Kelvin got a slap on the face from the robot.
"Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen".

"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or
misbehaved" Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the
robot.

Hearing the last sentence, Kelvin's mother comes walking out of the
kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, "After all he is your
son!!!"

To which the robot steps up and gives Kelvin's mother a resounding slap
too on her face!



Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Men

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them
in the dark until they mature into something you'd want
to have dinner with.

Empty Seat at Lambeau Field

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field,
until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the
guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's
my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but
now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really
too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could
enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."



Pooping At Work Survival Guide

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2007 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Witty College Professor

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?” As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. “Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”

Gold Shot

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn’t find his ball once he’d hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.

Joe said, “But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!”

His wife replied, “Yes, but his eyesight is incredible.”

Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, “Do you see it?”

Ted nodded his head and said, “Boy, that was a beautiful shot!”

Joe excitedly asked, “Well, where did it land?!”

Ted said, “Hmmm. I forget.”