Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Catholic Girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ” Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, “Reeva, What seems to be the rush?” The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.”

Could Have Been Worse

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.”

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”

“That’s awful,” said Frank, “but it could have been worse.”

“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?”

“Well,” replied Frank, “if it happened the night before, I’d be dead too!”

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Crack Of Dawn

The New Singles Bed

Devil’s Match

The Devil walks into a crowded bar.

Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old man and says “Do you know how I am?” The old man took another sip of his beer and answered “Yep”

The Devil stared at the old man and asked “Well aren’t you afraid of me?” The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs “I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?”

Silver Peanut Butter Jar

A Mom comes to visit her son John who’s living with a female roommate named Samantha. John’s mother doesn’t like the idea of her son living with a woman, as he’s in college and doesn’t need any distractions. To ease his mother’s worries, John invites her to stay for dinner.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what your thinking Mom, but I assure you, Samantha and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Samantha came to John saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the Silver peanut butter jar. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the Peanut Butter jar from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the peanut butter jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
John

Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Samantha, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Samantha. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the peanut butter jar under her pillow…

Love,
Mom


Thursday, April 17, 2008

What Women Want in a Man


What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet


The Surgery


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”


Speeding Ticket 2


A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

“There ain’t no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

“What on earth am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.

“I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!”

“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice night,” said the officer.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Dhaluo in First Class


An illiterate Jaluo woman and her husband boarded a planefrom Kisumu
to Nairobi . They were booked for economy class seats to witness the
searing in of their son as Minister in Raila's Government..................

Just after the plane took-off the woman stood up and went to sit in the
first class cabin where she had seen an empty seat. The flight
attendant went to ask her to go back and sit in economy class because
that's where the ticket allowed her to sit but she refused. Mitoto yake takuwa
Minister and she wanted the best seat.

Then the attendant informed the Jnr. pilot. The Jnr.pilot went and
spoke with the lady and she still refused. Then the Jnr. pilot went to
inform the chief pilot. The chief pilot said, I am married to an illiterate
from Alego, I'll go and talk to her Dholuo.

The chief went and whispered some words to the woman she said "YAWA
OMERA" and she peacefully stood-up and went to her economy class seat.

The attendant and Jnr. pilot surprisingly asked, sir what did you tell
her? The chief pilot said: Easy guys, I just told her that first class
is not going to Nairobi , only economy class is ! ! !

Monday, April 14, 2008

Pirate In A Bar


A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”
“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”
“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”
“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”
“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”
“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.
“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.
Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”

A Witty Young Trial Lawyer


A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.

“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Friday, April 11, 2008

I'D RATHER HOLD IT

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

A Child Prayer


One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Humor


1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!"
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!"

6. Anger management?
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

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The worsed day of my life?...


John went to a pub, noticed a neighbour with a glass and in deep thought. 5 beers down, the neighbour had not sipped from his glass and so, John decides to make a joke out of that.

He goes to the table, picks the glass and drains the content into his stomach. Looking sad, the neighbour grumbles but before he could talk, John offers to buy him 3 beers. the neighbour shakes his head and say:

"That is not the problem, john. This morning, i woke up really late and when i got to work, i got fired. leaving the office after packing my stuff, i go to the parking lot and my car was stolen. I walk home and guess what meets me? my wife making love to the gatekeeper on the sofa. As if that is not enough for one day, you come here and just drink up all my suicide poison!"


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Friday, April 04, 2008

Why Aren't You Married Yet?


The following are comebacks to that annoying question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

(Bonus reply for Single Mothers)
Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.


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Rules of Marriage


On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom, 'Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last...if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.'

The groom replied, 'OK, honey cup. Just make sure that when I come home, I usually have a drink...If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex.

If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two...your hair won't matter!'

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Many Uses of Hairspray

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, 'Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole. 'The grandfather replies, 'I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole. 'The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, 'Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars. 'The grandfather replies, 'I know. That's from your grandma.'

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Problems In The Bedroom

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when its over?".

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"