Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Damn dishes

So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow.

So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting. So he stops at the drugstore on the way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline.

He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes."

They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his dates panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off, but doesn't say a word. (He doesn't want to do these dishes.)

Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table, rips her panties off, and starts fuckin. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still doesn't say anything.

He's thinkin, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the table, goes to work. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys gettin desperate, so he grabs little sister.....tosses her up on the table. Dad's REAL pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun.....still not a word, though.

Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, grabs the Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidently makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."

Who keeps saying those things?

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."

Golfing with an older man

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

Thursday, May 29, 2008

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Robert Mugabe".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of "Robert Mugabe ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?

Good!

Tomorrow we'll do Jacob Zuma and then maybe your boss :)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Men's Rules

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . . Really.

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or tanks.

20. You have enough clothes.

21. You have too many shoes.

22.Every dish can be improved with bacon.

23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."

24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.

25.No talking at the urinal.

26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.

27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess."

28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.

29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.

30.Real men don't dance.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Stages of Drunkeness

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

State Of The Art Watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

101 Ways To Annoy People


1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.









Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Stuttering Problem

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Monday, May 19, 2008

Doctors Chat

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.

The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

Then the German doctor bragged, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a
tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've
been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman
and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a
daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here
Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday, I golf."

Friday, May 16, 2008

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" )

Dear Landlord

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords:

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Men vs. Women



Men and women are not alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS:

First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to
it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then
she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's
always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:

Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.

HATS:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GOING OUT:

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...

LEG WARMERS:

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.

A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

CATS:

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

GARAGES:

Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES:

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.

LOW BLOWS:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

ADMITTING MISTAKES:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

RICHARD GERE:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

LOCKER ROOMS:

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

SOCKS:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

PLANTS:

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES:

Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES:

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

HOUSE BOY: BAKARI


Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, he decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water).

Bakari as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank However, soon after he added water the pastis became milky.

When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Bakari as thief!!! At that same moment Bakari realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.

The Boss told his wife that 'Mary, you will see today,he will be obliged to acknowledge'. So he calls Bakari.

He shouted: 'Bakari!'.
Bakari answered: 'Yes, Boss'.
Boss: 'Who drank my pastis?'.
No answer.
The Boss reiterated his question: 'Who drank my wine?'Still;
No answer.
Then the Boss went to fetch Bakari from the kitchen and says to him:
You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say yes boss' but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?

Bakari retorted that 'It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don't hear anything at all, except the name.

Then to prove that Bakari lies, the Boss says to him: 'You stay beside Madam here, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question '. Bakari accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.

Bakari shouted: 'Boss'.
He answered: 'Yes, Bakari'.
Bakari continued: 'Who goes in the maid bedroom when the Madam is not here? '.
No answer.
Bakari shouted again: 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'
No answer.
Bakari shouted again (third time): 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'

The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says, Bakari; it is true, you are right. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name!

Monday, May 05, 2008

What Our Soldiers Need To Know


Warefare has changed alot over the last few generations… gone are the days of bow and arrows, cannons, muzzle loaded guns, even rocket propelled grenades and sniper rifles are becoming out of date. What we need to do is go back to our roots, guerilla warefare for the next generation…



Watever it takes to win…. whatever it takes.