Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Would you think this fast ?

A houseboy by the name "Bakari" used to drink his masters wine when he was away and added water to blind fold him.
He went on with this habit until one day the boss noticed that his wine wasn't pure n reactive as he was familiar with it! To prove guilt, the boss dint want to accuse his house boy without evidence. And so he set his trap to catch the mischeivous wine thief.
With his scientific knowledge, he added some crystals of calcium to his wine n this time left it open to be a well set trap.
Little had he stepped out of his residence than the "mischievous houseboy" took his usual move. After all, was he not smart to remember that he was to add water after drinking it? and of course leave it open and in place as it was?
The boss was back, n unlike other days when he found his usual diluted wine to quench his thirst, he found a bottle of a milky solution n of course had a perfect evidence.

This was their conversation
Boss : Bakari!
Bakari : Yes Boss!
Boss : Who drinks my wine when am not around?!
(No answer)
Boss :Am asking who drinks my wine when am not around?!
(No answer)
Bakari :(comes from the kitchen and tells his boss)Boss, you know when you r in the kitchen you can't hear anything apart from your name.
Boss :(out of anger)What! Since when? Am going to the kitchen, n you stand here. N let's see if my wife in the bedroom won't listen to my answers.
Bakari: (Taking the boss position)Boss!
Boss : Yes Bakari!
Bakari: Who goes to the maids bedroom when madam is away?!
(No answer)
Bakari: Am asking who made the maid pregnant?!
(No answer)
The boss came out of the kitchen afraid of hearing more of it! He told bakari "It is true that when you r in the kitchen you only here your name and nothing else."

Friday, June 27, 2008

Mchongoano

1. Kwenu kumejaa mpaka mende zinacommit suicide.
2. Ati guka yako mzee mpaka chest yake imeandikwa 'THE END'
3. Ati kwenu kuchafu hadi mende wanavaa slipers!
4. Ati Tv yenu ni small mpaka ina scrollbars.
5. hao yenyu ndogo, ukiingia umetoka.
6. Wewe mweusi mpaka ukirushiwa mawe inarudi kuitisha torch
7. Wewe mgondi mpaka ukishikilia ten bob Moi anabaki na vest
8. Budako ni fala alienda airport akauliza kama kuna ndege  pick-up
9. Budako fala alipaint aerial ya TV ndiyo ireceive color
10. Wewe knock-kneed and chick wako bowlegged mukisimama pamoja munaspell 'OX'
11. Walls za kwenyu ni thin neighbour akikata kitunguu mnaanza  kulia
12. Paka wenu mnoma mpaka aki shika panya inaitisha chumvi
13. Mnapikanga chapo na Robb ndio zikue chapo menthol
14. We mblack mpaka ukikutana na mzungu afte anakushow good evening?.
15. Ngombe yenu mzee mpaka inatoanga yogurt.
16. Kwenu kumekauka mpaka ngombe yenu hutoa milk powder
17. Nyinyi m-mesota mpaka mna-kunywanga chai na kifuniko ya Bic.
18. Ati budako ni mjinga mpaka alipo ingia kwa buu aliambia konda amshikie chuma ndio atoe pesa.
19. Budako ni fala, alienda kubuy ngombe akaona ikikojoa akasema, sitaki hiyo, imetoboka.
20. Nyanyako mzee mpaka chawa za nywele yake hutembea na bakora.
21. TV yenyu ndogo mpako mukiwatch 100m nyinyi humalizia kuiona kwa ma neighbours.
22. Wacha kujisikia na kwenyu Easter mulikula Patco na mapera.
23. Budako uhepa job kuswing na gate
24. Doggy yenu noma, inabark na tweng
25. Budako mrefu mpaka anauza mahindi kwa watu kwa plane
26. TV yenu small, mpaka Katherine Kasavuli ana inama kusema news.
27. ati wewe mweusi mpaka unaacha fingerprints zako kwa makaa
28. ati mathako mnono akivaa nguo ya yellow watu hufikiria ni taxi
29. we ni mweusi mpaka mabeste wakikupita wanasema"haiya cheki shortcut!"
30. we mrefu mpaka ukikunywa maziwa fresh,ikifika kwa tumbo imekuwa maziwa mala!
31. TV yenu nzee mpaka channel zake zinaonesha wakati wa akina noah!
32. Budako ako na skin tight mpaka akiwink mguu moja inainuka
33. Nyi muko wengi hadi mukipigwa family photo wengine wanahang kwa frame
34. ati wewe ni mweusi mpaka badala ya wasee kukuita wao huimbaile advert ya kiwi" hebu kitokeze , jionyeshe, simama mbele ya watu

Friday, June 20, 2008

Welcome to the family

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me .. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!

A little boy

A little boy wanted to know what it was like to have Kshs10, 000. His mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up.
Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the Kshs10, 000.
When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to President Kibaki. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Kshs200. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the Kshs200 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows:
"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through the government. As usual, those thieves deducted Kshs 9,800 for tax."

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Iam glad im Kenyan, lakini….


Only Kenyans :-
  1. Are engaged for 5 years or more
  2. Never bother to divorce, they just separate
  3. Are late to church, work, and everything else, EXCEPT when the disco is free before 9pm
  4. Refer to diabetes as “SUGAR”
  5. Show up at weddings, showers, graduation, birthday parties with a new outfit on with nails and hair done but no gift
  6. In relation to #5, they eat like parking boys and take a plate home
  7. Consider “clubbing” or “henging” as a monthly expense
  8. Leave bills (instead of insurance money) behind for surviving relatives
  9. Borrow money for a wedding
  10. Have mothers who can use curse words and religion ALL IN ONE SENTENCE e.g. “Lord, give me strength because I’m about to knock the hell out of this child
  11. Spend the car insurance money on everything EXCEPT getting the dent fixed.
  12. Invite co-workers and all their friends to their child’s 1st birthday party which happens to have a professional DJ with only about 3 kids (including the child) in attendance. And then expect the guests to “changa” for the bash.
  13. Start every sentences with “Me I…” e.g. ME I donno why you are saying that I always say “Me I”.
  14. Say “Spend” when they are staying the night elsewhere from home, e.g. “Are you going to spend at her place?”
  15. Put in iron rods in all windows and main doors….referring to themas “Burglar proof”
  16. Use “Ngai” as an exclamation mark e.g. “Ngai, what are you doing?”
  17. Believe “Ati” is an English word for “What?”
  18. Think it is cool to drink and drive and get away with it “I don’t know how I got home that day… the way I was soo drunk!”
  19. Think all their economic and social problems are caused by “Moi” when in fact some have never been to school.
  20. Pack up all their earthly goods to go to “shaggs” for a week in December, only to pack them all back again after one week and return to “Tao”
  21. Call travelling “flying out” e.g. She flew out (no one seems to wonder where all these Kenyans fly to)
  22. Think that taking clerical job in a company is better and “cooler” than toiling in their parents’ family business.
  23. Prefer washing cars and dishes in USA to toiling in their 20-acre tea farms in Kenya.
  24. Call their homes “at ours”. e.g., “At ours, we eat Githeri every day.
  25. Complain for five years about poor governance and corruption then vote in the same clowns back to parliament.
  26. Have a chief Justice who has no law degree!
  27. Go on strike for one day and expect the gvt. to resign!
  28. Sit back in their homes and expect their MP to “brins Development”
  29. Refuse to insure against anything and expect you to bankroll them when calamity strikes…. thro’ Harambee.
  30. Sit calmly and sometimes cheer as a mad man drives them in a ramshackle at breakneck speed to certain death.
  31. Drive with their windows  wound up when they get to city centre because of 4-year-old brats armed with human feaces, and still claim to be free people!

Sounds so true, eh? I hope you are still Kenyan by All standards! Me, I am Kenyan Damu, but do I say!!





Kenyan Policeman

This is an Conversation between a Kenyan Policeman and an Innocent Citizen who simply happens to be walking home from work late at night.


Gijana Untatoga wabi?
Jina yago nani?
Baba yago nani?
Unataga nini?

Gan you Broduce your ID?
Basi if you gannot broduce your ID
Wapi Gitambulisho?
If you gannot broduce Gitambulisho
Wapi drivers licence
If you gannot broduce the three gavament tocuments
Twende mbele!


(But I am innocent….)

Innocent gitu gani?
Haguna mutu innozent Genya
We gan charge you with anything
Unataga gani?
Smoking with violence
Looging at a female gender with breach of gontract
Looging at a government building zuzbiciously
With indend to gommit murder
Unataga gani?

Unaweza gujitetea?
Gitu gani hii?
Ati fifty bob
Hata haiwezi gununua jwing gum
Toa besa gijana

(…nibakishie bus fare)

Ogay,
You are a law abiding zitizen
Unataga tuguzindikishe?

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Nice Hotel $350 room

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.


The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use.
He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Thursday, June 12, 2008

1..2..3!

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?

The Miracle

The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, "You appear to have been drinking!"

The driver answers, "No sir, I am just tired."

The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, "What is, or should I say was in this bottle?

The driver answers, "Water!"

The policeman says, "It is not, it's wine!"

The driver looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, you have done it again!"

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Maths And Logic

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives...

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........

(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)

Friday, June 06, 2008

Plane Crash

here was three passengers in a plane that was about to crash. One was the smartest man in the world, one was the President of the United States, and one was a little girl. However, there was only two parachutes.

The first man, the smartest man in the world, stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes. I, being the smartest man, am one of those." With that he grabbed one and jumped out.

The president looked at the little girl and said, "I've led a good long life, and you're just starting yours. You take the last parachute."

And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, there is one for both of us. The smartest man in the world just took my backpack."

The Truckie

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Thursday, June 05, 2008

KIKUYU MIND

A KIKUYU man walks into a bank in NAIROBI City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to DUBAI on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow KSH 5,000.The bank officer tells him that the
bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the KIKUYU man hands
over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He
produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan.
 
The bank's president and its officers (luo) all enjoy a good laugh at the
KIKUYU for using a KSH 250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a KSH 5,000
loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the KIKUYU returns, repays the
KSH 5,000 and the interest, which comes to KSH 150.41.The loan officer says, 'Sir, we
are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very nicely but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked
you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why
you would bother to borrow 'KSH 5,000' The KIKUYU replies: 'Where else in
NAIROBI can I park my car for two weeks for only KSH 150.41 and expect it to
be there when I return'' Ah, the mind of the KIKUYU ...

Management Course

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

”It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson #2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.


The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized, “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Lesson #3:

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I'll give each of you just one wish.”

”Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. “Puff!” She's gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales representative. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. “Puff!” He's gone.

“OK, you're up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

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Lesson #4:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree” sighed the turkey, “but I haven't got the energy.”

”Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They're packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Lesson #5:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

The Three Sons

hree sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"