Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Double Shots

Mwangi and Maundu wanted to go out drinking, but they only had Ksh.200 between them. Maundu said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.Mwangi said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Maundu replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the Velvet Lounge where Maundu immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.

Mwangi said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Maundu replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Maundu said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth bar, Mwangi said, "Maundu, I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!" Maundu said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage at the third bar!"

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

3 Last Requests

A cowboy finds himself captured by indians. The indians decide they are going to kill him, and the chief tells the cowboy he may have 3 last requests granted to him.
The cowboy walks over to his horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse takes off running, and then returns in 10 minutes with a young, busty blond. The cowboy shrugs, and takes the blond into a nearby teepee. He emerges 10 minutes later. The chief then tells him, he has 2 requests left.
The cowboy goes over to his horse again and whispers something in his ear. Again, the horse takes off and returns a short time later, this time with a young, busty brunette. The cowboy looks at her, and shrugs, taking her into a nearby teepee and then comes out 10 minutes later. He is reminded he has one request left.
He goes back to his horse and whispers in his other ear 'For the last time, I said bring me MY POSSEE!!'

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I'm Tired


Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor nutrition, carrying a couple of extra pounds, raising a family, recent ailments, and a dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting tough.

But now I found out what’s really happening! I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of the USA reached 300 million last October. 79 million of the population are retired. That leaves 221 million to do the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 76 million students in schools, which leaves 126 million to do the work. Of that total, 21 million are unemployed leaving 105 million to do the work.

Then you take away 34 million in hospitals and that leaves 71 million to do the work. 43 million are in prisons and that’s 28 million left to do the work. Now take away 14,683,468 federal, 5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you’re left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the 2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me!
And you’re just sitting there reading this! No wonder I’m tired!!!

The Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Words Of Wisdom

Wisdom is best defined as the ability to judge what is true and right, to have common sense and good judgement. Unfortunately, there’s not much of that going aroud these days. Common sense just isn’t that common anymore. Here are some excellent words of wisdom, good judgment that comes from knowledge and experience in life.

  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Your sole purpose in life may be to simply serve as a warning to others.
  • It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  • People will accept your idea more readily, if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a few car payments.
  • If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
  • You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.
  • If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again it was probably worth it.
  • Life is what happens to you when you’re making other plans.
  • To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
  • Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.
  • A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.
  • Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
  • Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
  • Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the windshield.
  • Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
  • Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
  • Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
  • Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
  • The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Obsessed Mothers And Their Children

A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” the doctor observed.

To the 1st mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He looks to the 2nd mother, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He looks to the 3rd mother. “Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says… “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving!”

Thursday, July 03, 2008

AN Interesting Conversation

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty.

He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Prof : So you believe in God?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Prof : Is God good?
Student : Sure.
Prof : Is God all-powerful?
Student : Yes.
Prof : My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?
(Student is silent.)

Prof : You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fellow. Is God good?
Student : Yes.
Prof : Is Satan good?
Student : No.
Prof : Where does Satan come from?
Student : From...God...
Prof : That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof : Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof : So who created evil?

(Student does not answer.)

Prof : Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? ß All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student : Yes, sir.
Prof : So, who created them?

(Student has no answer.)

Prof : Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?
Student : No, sir.
Prof : Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student : No, sir.
Prof : Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Prof : Yet you still believe in Him?
Student : Yes.
Prof
: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof : Yes , Faith ! And that is the problem science has.


Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof : Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof : Yes.
Student : No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student
: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There is a pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Prof : If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Prof : I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir... The link between man & god is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Kalembe

Marriage

Kalembe's Girl Friend: I'm one year older than
you....will it bad for our marriage?
Kalembe: No, not at all......We'll marry in next year


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Lesbian

At a party a Kalembe sees a beautiful girl and invites her
to dance with him...

Kalembe: Can I dance with u?
The Girl: I'm sorry im a lesbian...
Kalembe: Its ok its ok... I'm a Kibwezian

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hidden Camera's

Mrs... Kalembe caught Kalembe searching high and low all
around his living room.

Mrs. Kalembe: 'What are you searching for?'

Mr.. Kalembe: 'Hidden cameras!'

Mrs. Kalembe: 'And what makes you think that there are
hidden cameras here?'

Mr. Kalembe: 'That guy on TV knows exactly what I am
doing. Every few minutes he keeps saying, 'You are watching KBC channel
1'. How does he know that?'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Relaxing

Kalembe was enjoying the sun at the beach in Mtwapa. A lady
came and asked him, 'Are you relaxing?'

Kalembe answered, 'No, I am Kalembe'

Another guy came and asked him the same question.

Kalembe answered, 'No! No! Me Kalembe!'

A third one came and asked him the same question again.
Kalembe was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another person soaking in the sun.

He went up to him and asked,

'Are you Relaxing?'

The other man was a lot more educated and answered,
'Yes, I am relaxing.'

Kalembe slapped him on his face and said,

'Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are
sitting over here!'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Heaven

Kalembe died and went to heaven.

When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that
new rules are in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order
to gain admittance each soul must answer two simple questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Kalembe thought for a few minutes and answered.

1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said,

'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer
I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?'

Kalembe replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd, etc...'

Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Wash Basin

Kalembe goes to a hotel in Machakos and eats heartily.

After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing
the basin instead...

The manager comes running and asks him,

'Sir, what are you doing?'

Kalembe replies, ' Read this board here, it says '
Wash Basin '.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

English Exam

Kalembe finished his English exam and came out.

His friends asked him how he did his exam. He replied
'Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I
thought, thought, and thought, at last I wrote THUNK!!!'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Answer the following questions in brief

Kalembe is appearing for his University final examination.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the
question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his
shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and
throws it away as well, followed by his pant, socks and watch.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is
going on.
' I am only following the instructions here,' he
says, ' it says here,
'Answer the following questions in brief '.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Essay

The English teacher told all the students in the class to
write an essay on a football match. All were busy writing except Kalembe
He has written. 'DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH !!! '

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Petition Court server

The Petition server: I have to come 5 miles to deliver you
this election petition

Kalemebe : Why did you come so far ? Instead you could have
posted it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Coffee Shop

Kalembe and his wife went to a coffee shop .

Kalembe said ' Hurry Up Drink quickly.....!!!'.

His Wife asked why...???
Kalembe said Hot Coffee shs. and, Cold Coffee shs.10'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Letter to his Son

Kalembe was writing something very slowly.
A Friend came and asked: ' Why are you writing so slowly? '

Kalembe replies
' I'm writing to my 6 years old son,... he can't read very fast.