Memorable Jokes

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Friday, April 03, 2009

DATING IN KENYA IS CRAP

Chic: (calls Guy ): "Hello... Sasa Musyoka.. its Sato bana.. si we do some nyama .. ?"

Guy: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees... "Sawa sweetie..how about Buffet Park ...Shall I pick u at 2 ..?"

Chic: "Sawa.. laterz."

(Guy amukas from Friday's hengies, showers, puts on jeans and polo shirt, pockets a pack of condoms, then drives to the Chics crib...)

So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia the butchery to order the nyaks.

Guy (to Chic): So what do u want to have .. ?

Chic: just anything...(aki these women are just thick at times... sasa hiyo ni jibu gani ..?)

Guy (to butcher): Weka hizo mbavu, kilo moja na nusu, choma, ...ikuje na kachum... (chic interrupts Guy.. ! )

Chic: Apana.. eeiishh..! ..Si you know I don't eat goat meat..!

Guy: (thinks to himself...("Really..!... then why didn't you say so in the first place, nugu hii") (To Chic) .. How about beef then..?

Chic: Its ok so long as it is not fat and not the legs. I dont like mathunya...( Guy looks away and rolls eyes up .. thinks to himself..."ati fat,you are already carrying a 40 kilo MATAKO, surely ... 2 grams of fat are negligible..")

Guy: (to an already impatient butcher) basi si unitafutie ngombe haina mafuta. (butcher chucks a ki-nice piece from the hangers hapo nyuma and holds it up for Guy to see)

Guy: "Weka hiyo nione...(as the butcher is weighing it on the scale... the Chic points at a small..... very very small piece of fat on the meat)

Chic: "Hiyo iko na mafuta mingi sana, tuonyeshe ingine..."

(Butcher curses .... under his breath. Other hungry buyers who are waiting hapo kando start to curse . Guy feels like he should just have ordered fish fry from those fat jang'o women they pitad on their way in. Chic points at a fresh carcass of meat ... somewhere near where the meat is hanging from such that is impossible to extract a piece without the entire carcass falling down on the floor.

Chic: "Kata pale.. ..."

Butcher: "Hapo haiwezekani mama .. kula hii ndio fiti ..(butcher attempts to return the piece back on the scale)

Chic: "Apana..!.. Hauna nyama zingine kwa store..."

Guy: (to Chic) " Eeh ..lets do this... let him fry that one, I will eat the mathunya pieces ama... ?"

Chic: "OK"

Guy: (to butcher) "Fanya iwe fry na uweke nyanya, dhania na spinach.Ongeza ugali mbili..."

Chic: .. "Ugali..? me I dont want ugg..Dont they have Chipos..?"

Chic: (to butcher) "Leta na ugali moja na chips mbili..."

Guy: ( thinks to himself... no wonder her butt is 40Kgs.. sasa u avoid animal fat then u kula half a gunia of chipoz .. talk about nyani haoni kundule ..)

Butcher: "KAMAU...!!! Oya nyama ino..! ..ni furae, na wikire nyanya, dhania na spinashi... ndugekire waaru..(butcher pins the meat with a tag and tosses it to kamau in the kitchen behind him)

Butcher: "Sawa... shika resiti .. namba yako ni 53 ... Itachukwa ithaa
moja ...."

Guy pays the butcher and chukuwas the receipt and tag..So we enter the open space of the club and sit down. Waiter comes,Guy orders his cold Tusker,

Chic orders her malt. We kunywa kidogo.. storoz panda... then there is this mama who pitaz a tray of oil oozing samosas, sausages and mshikakis..

Chic: "Wewe ..psst ppstt.. nipe samosa mbili na hiyo nini ..."

Guy: (shocked).. "Haiya, si u wait for the meat.."

Chic: "I will still kula the meat..."

Guy: ok (and she proceeds to kula 3 samoz and 3 mshikakis)

One hour 20 minutes later .. the Waiter comes round with maji moto for washing hands.. we wash our hands and the the meat checks in with the chipos and the Ugali all hot steaming and looking nice... "Bonne Appetit"..! ..

Karibu Nyama " ... Guy invites the Chic and thinks to himself.. now she will really shiba... LAKINI WAPI..! Yaani after all that shiet, she just hen pecks about the platter of meat here and there BUT proceeds to maliza the 2 plates of chipoz having eaten only 3 pieces of nyama. As if that is NOT ENOUGH ... 3 minutes later:...

Chic: "tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! Waiter! niletee serviettes pliz..na toothpicks..."

Guy: (cursing silently ) " Why arent you eating nyama...."

Chic: "I have shibad deadly plus I started feeling my ulcers ... Si u jua the way they can be nasty ..??.


Without another word Guy proceeds to kula what he can and asks waiter to pack the rest of the meat in a juala , patias waiter the now wrapped remaining meat to peleka to his car ...... Then he fungulias the carburetor

... "Leta TUSKER mbili na MALT Mbili" as they wait for the Arsenal Match coming on the screens in about 20 mins..

Beers, Storoz, the game.... more beer flows... After kindu like 2 hours... to the amazement of the Guy ...

Chic: "tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! ..niitie yule mama wa sambusa....(Guy closes his eyes and thinks silently... we should just have headed to Topaz....Fish and Chips...! ).

So later on at around 12:30 am Guy takes the chick to the car and starts being naughty kidogo. the chick responds well and before long they are catching rubs like .....)

Guy : " Baby .. baby .. si we go to somewhere more private ..??"

Chic: "Aaaah.. aaah... you naughty boy..!!! ..rrrrrrr... sure , whats on your mind...?"

Guy: " Ill show you ...! ( Guy drives like a mad man in anticipation of what is at stake ..40 kgs of pure booty ... occassionaly missing the gears and going way up her tiny skirt) .

Before long they get to Guys crib , struggle and grope all the way to the third floor.

Guy :( Panting , both already half naked, he tries to remove her panties).

Chic: "Wweeee..!!.. iz how ??....what you trying to do..?"

Guy: (amazed) " Kwani what do you think ..?"

Chic: "Bilaz ..!!..I dont want..!!"

Guy: " Come on babe..!.."

Chic: (pulling a very serious look) " NO..! ..Dont do that..!.."

Guy: " Hala..! ..whats the matter..!.. ( thinking ... si thambutha umekula ? .. na viazi vya mafuta ?..)

Chic: " I can't..! .."

Guy : ( thinking ....Tusker Malt tano na nyama ya ngombe fry ? ... APANA .... Shuma lazima ilale ndani..!..)

Chic: " I'm rolling ...!!!..

Guy: " SH*T ..!!!.."


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1 Comments:

  • At 4:45 PM , Blogger KK said...

    LMAO.... This has me rolling on the floor... well, actually am at work and having to fungia micheko. Dating everywhere is crap... You are better off paying upfront for it and avoiding all that drama... well, maybe not, but I tend to feel that way after such escapades.

     

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