Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Understanding Cricket

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. ...

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!


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Thursday, April 16, 2009

Please don’t laugh

A guy goes to visit his doctor. Here is the conversation
that ensued.

"Don't laugh!" said the patient.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor
said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."

"Okay then," the patient said, and
proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the
doctor had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than the size of
an AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and
then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his
feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor.
"I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honour as a doctor and a
gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now ... what seems to be
the problem?"

"It's swollen," the patient replied.
The doctor fainted!


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Wednesday, April 08, 2009

The camel

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they use the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."


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800 Dollars

A man is getting into the shower just as his
wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell
rings.After a few seconds of arguing over which one should
go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob
says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that
you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars
and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good
fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes
back
upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband
asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she
replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything
about the 800 dollars he owes me?"


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Monday, April 06, 2009

Interesting....

Think of it , this is an interesting situation.




Raila, kibaki, Ngilu and Martha Karua


Raila, Kibaki, Ngilu and Martha karua are travelling in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a hard slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. Ngilu and Raila are sitting there looking perplexed. Kibaki is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Ngilu is thinking: "These men are all crazy about Martha Karua". kibaki must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him!

Martha karua is thinking: "kibaki must have moved to kiss me, but kissed Ngilu instead and got slapped!"

Kibaki is thinking: "Damn it, Raila must have tried to kiss Martha Karua, she thought it was me and slapped me!"

Raila is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I will make another kissing sound and slap kibaki again!"

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Saturday, April 04, 2009

Little Johnny... Finding Jesus

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"


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Rules by men 101

These are our rules! Please note. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, the shotgun formation, or the girl next door.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


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deadlock!!!!!

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad,
so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and
I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going
abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need
not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a
week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets
spend the week together.

Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) make call to his secretary: This week I am
spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend
that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss
has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend
this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my
teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I
can't give you company.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this
week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement .




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Friday, April 03, 2009

DATING IN KENYA IS CRAP

Chic: (calls Guy ): "Hello... Sasa Musyoka.. its Sato bana.. si we do some nyama .. ?"

Guy: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees... "Sawa sweetie..how about Buffet Park ...Shall I pick u at 2 ..?"

Chic: "Sawa.. laterz."

(Guy amukas from Friday's hengies, showers, puts on jeans and polo shirt, pockets a pack of condoms, then drives to the Chics crib...)

So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia the butchery to order the nyaks.

Guy (to Chic): So what do u want to have .. ?

Chic: just anything...(aki these women are just thick at times... sasa hiyo ni jibu gani ..?)

Guy (to butcher): Weka hizo mbavu, kilo moja na nusu, choma, ...ikuje na kachum... (chic interrupts Guy.. ! )

Chic: Apana.. eeiishh..! ..Si you know I don't eat goat meat..!

Guy: (thinks to himself...("Really..!... then why didn't you say so in the first place, nugu hii") (To Chic) .. How about beef then..?

Chic: Its ok so long as it is not fat and not the legs. I dont like mathunya...( Guy looks away and rolls eyes up .. thinks to himself..."ati fat,you are already carrying a 40 kilo MATAKO, surely ... 2 grams of fat are negligible..")

Guy: (to an already impatient butcher) basi si unitafutie ngombe haina mafuta. (butcher chucks a ki-nice piece from the hangers hapo nyuma and holds it up for Guy to see)

Guy: "Weka hiyo nione...(as the butcher is weighing it on the scale... the Chic points at a small..... very very small piece of fat on the meat)

Chic: "Hiyo iko na mafuta mingi sana, tuonyeshe ingine..."

(Butcher curses .... under his breath. Other hungry buyers who are waiting hapo kando start to curse . Guy feels like he should just have ordered fish fry from those fat jang'o women they pitad on their way in. Chic points at a fresh carcass of meat ... somewhere near where the meat is hanging from such that is impossible to extract a piece without the entire carcass falling down on the floor.

Chic: "Kata pale.. ..."

Butcher: "Hapo haiwezekani mama .. kula hii ndio fiti ..(butcher attempts to return the piece back on the scale)

Chic: "Apana..!.. Hauna nyama zingine kwa store..."

Guy: (to Chic) " Eeh ..lets do this... let him fry that one, I will eat the mathunya pieces ama... ?"

Chic: "OK"

Guy: (to butcher) "Fanya iwe fry na uweke nyanya, dhania na spinach.Ongeza ugali mbili..."

Chic: .. "Ugali..? me I dont want ugg..Dont they have Chipos..?"

Chic: (to butcher) "Leta na ugali moja na chips mbili..."

Guy: ( thinks to himself... no wonder her butt is 40Kgs.. sasa u avoid animal fat then u kula half a gunia of chipoz .. talk about nyani haoni kundule ..)

Butcher: "KAMAU...!!! Oya nyama ino..! ..ni furae, na wikire nyanya, dhania na spinashi... ndugekire waaru..(butcher pins the meat with a tag and tosses it to kamau in the kitchen behind him)

Butcher: "Sawa... shika resiti .. namba yako ni 53 ... Itachukwa ithaa
moja ...."

Guy pays the butcher and chukuwas the receipt and tag..So we enter the open space of the club and sit down. Waiter comes,Guy orders his cold Tusker,

Chic orders her malt. We kunywa kidogo.. storoz panda... then there is this mama who pitaz a tray of oil oozing samosas, sausages and mshikakis..

Chic: "Wewe ..psst ppstt.. nipe samosa mbili na hiyo nini ..."

Guy: (shocked).. "Haiya, si u wait for the meat.."

Chic: "I will still kula the meat..."

Guy: ok (and she proceeds to kula 3 samoz and 3 mshikakis)

One hour 20 minutes later .. the Waiter comes round with maji moto for washing hands.. we wash our hands and the the meat checks in with the chipos and the Ugali all hot steaming and looking nice... "Bonne Appetit"..! ..

Karibu Nyama " ... Guy invites the Chic and thinks to himself.. now she will really shiba... LAKINI WAPI..! Yaani after all that shiet, she just hen pecks about the platter of meat here and there BUT proceeds to maliza the 2 plates of chipoz having eaten only 3 pieces of nyama. As if that is NOT ENOUGH ... 3 minutes later:...

Chic: "tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! Waiter! niletee serviettes pliz..na toothpicks..."

Guy: (cursing silently ) " Why arent you eating nyama...."

Chic: "I have shibad deadly plus I started feeling my ulcers ... Si u jua the way they can be nasty ..??.


Without another word Guy proceeds to kula what he can and asks waiter to pack the rest of the meat in a juala , patias waiter the now wrapped remaining meat to peleka to his car ...... Then he fungulias the carburetor

... "Leta TUSKER mbili na MALT Mbili" as they wait for the Arsenal Match coming on the screens in about 20 mins..

Beers, Storoz, the game.... more beer flows... After kindu like 2 hours... to the amazement of the Guy ...

Chic: "tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! ..niitie yule mama wa sambusa....(Guy closes his eyes and thinks silently... we should just have headed to Topaz....Fish and Chips...! ).

So later on at around 12:30 am Guy takes the chick to the car and starts being naughty kidogo. the chick responds well and before long they are catching rubs like .....)

Guy : " Baby .. baby .. si we go to somewhere more private ..??"

Chic: "Aaaah.. aaah... you naughty boy..!!! ..rrrrrrr... sure , whats on your mind...?"

Guy: " Ill show you ...! ( Guy drives like a mad man in anticipation of what is at stake ..40 kgs of pure booty ... occassionaly missing the gears and going way up her tiny skirt) .

Before long they get to Guys crib , struggle and grope all the way to the third floor.

Guy :( Panting , both already half naked, he tries to remove her panties).

Chic: "Wweeee..!!.. iz how ??....what you trying to do..?"

Guy: (amazed) " Kwani what do you think ..?"

Chic: "Bilaz ..!!..I dont want..!!"

Guy: " Come on babe..!.."

Chic: (pulling a very serious look) " NO..! ..Dont do that..!.."

Guy: " Hala..! ..whats the matter..!.. ( thinking ... si thambutha umekula ? .. na viazi vya mafuta ?..)

Chic: " I can't..! .."

Guy : ( thinking ....Tusker Malt tano na nyama ya ngombe fry ? ... APANA .... Shuma lazima ilale ndani..!..)

Chic: " I'm rolling ...!!!..

Guy: " SH*T ..!!!.."


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Thursday, April 02, 2009

The Sexes



Wednesday, April 01, 2009

You Don't Hear Anything At All

Mulwa is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, he decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water).
Mulwa as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank However, soon after he added water the pastis became milky.
When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Mulwa as thief!!! At that same moment Mulwa realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.
The Boss told his wife ' Mary, you will see today,he will be obliged to acknowledge ' . So he calls Mulwa.
He shouted: ' Mulwa! ' .
Mulwa answered: ' Yes, Boss ' .
Boss: ' Who drank my pastis? ' . No answer.
The Boss reiterated his question: ' Who drank my wine? ' Still; No answer.
Then the Boss went to fetch Mulwa from the kitchen and says to him:
You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say yes boss ' but when I ask you a question you don ' t answer me?
Mulwa retorted that ' It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don ' t hear anything at all, except the name.
Then to prove that Mulwa lies, the Boss says to him: ' You stay beside Madam here, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question ' . Mulwa accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.
Mulwa shouted: ' Boss ' .
He answered: ' Yes, Mulwa ' .
Mulwa continued: ' Who goes in the maid bedroom when the Madam is not here? ' . No answer.
Mulwa shouted again: ' Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant? ' No answer.
Mulwa shouted again (third time): ' Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant? '
The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says, Mulwa; it is true, you are right. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name!