Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Friday, May 29, 2009

LIFE TIPS

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,
things aren't well.
I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'


After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as
to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, '

Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

Because I don't want any of those b*tches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Why people like going to church

Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river"..
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in
the river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all
and throw it in the river".
Again thecongregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said:
"For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and
sing,
'We shall drink from that river'". THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH!!!!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Vicheke Kidogo

Condom says to Pad "When you work, I lose seven days of business."

Padreplies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for Nine

months!"


**************************************


A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have

your boobs on your back?"

The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick

on his face!"


*************************************


A black guy and a white girl met at a niteclub. She took him to her

apartment and said: "Tie me to the bed and do what black men do

best!"...

So he ran off with the TV and DVD Player...


*********************************

Wife: "I wish I was a newspaper, so that you could hold me every

morning!"

Husband: " Me too, my dear, so that I can have a NEW ONE every

morning!"


**********************************


A Chinese couple got married. When the baby was born, her eyes were big

and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, name of

baby was SUM TING LONG ("some thing wrong")


*******************************


A lady visited her doctor one morning. Doc said: "You look so weak and

Exhausted!

Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?

Lady: "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

New: Drive-In ATMs - Male & Female How-to...

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

**************************
*****
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Kenya Police vs GSU vs CID

The regular Kenya Police, the no-nonsense paramilitary General Service Unit (GSU) & the CID are all trying to prove to the Coalition Government that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

President Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila decide to give them a test. They release a rabbit into Karura forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CID goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The GSU goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The Kenya police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten Monkey.

The Monkey is yelling, "Okay!! Okay!! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"


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Monday, May 11, 2009

Kikuyu Mind

A KIKUYU man walks into a bank in NAIROBI City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to DUBAI on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow KSH 5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of
security for the loan, so the KIKUYU man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari
parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and
everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan.

The bank's president and its officers ( luo) all enjoy a good laugh at the
KIKUYU for using a KSH 1,500,000 Ferrari as collateral against a KSH 5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the KIKUYU returns, repays the KSH 5,000 and the
interest,which comes to KSH 150.41.The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy
to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multi millionaire.. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow "KSH 5,000"

The KIKUYU replies: "Where else in NAIROBI can I park my car for
two weeks for only KSH 150.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the KIKUYU ...


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Wednesday, May 06, 2009

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too sicky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!

No wonder men are happier.Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too sicky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!

No wonder men are happier.


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