Never Saw It This Way
IN PRISON ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in one 6x8. IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day. AT WORK ... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK ... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK ... you carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet. AT WORK ... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK ... you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON ... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK ... they are called managers. IN PRISON ... all expenses are paid by taxpayers; no work is required. AT WORK ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON ... you spend your life looking through bars from the inside, wanting to get out. AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
Dear Alcohol First let me say that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings). However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex’s? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night. 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever), the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your Biggest Fan
Technology not for Geezers
You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize... you need to fart… The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.You let go about 5 strong and loud ones back to back. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod