Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Jeng'

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a Jeng' stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits Ouma to begin his confession.

Confessional Booth After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally Ouma yells out… “Marateng'? Ti! Omera !there is no use knocking, there is no tissue paper over here either,jaribu choo next berr!"


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Jalou Berrrrrr

My friends, being a luo isnt easy, its an an art we must live up to!. No matter where you are...u must be U! please take note of the titles below and use them as etiquette demands

How Luos call them....

Gardener - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
House Maid - Domestic Operations Specialist
Typist - Printed Document Handler
Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner - Transparent Wall Technician
Temporary Teacher - Associate Tutor
Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer
Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technician
Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer
Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer
Driver - Automobile Propulsion Specialist
Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist
Cook - Food Preparation Officer
Bartender - Certified Liquor Specialist
Housewife - Permanent Secretary- Home Affairs


Three Bodies

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. After autopsies, the pathologist calls the police to tell
them what has happened.

"First body: a Mkamba, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile,

"Second body: "a Luo, 25, won a hundred thousand shillings in the
sweepstakes, spent it all on whisky & cham. Died of alcohol poisoning,
hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the pathologist, "this is the most unusual one.
Harvester Khayega, Luhyia from Funyula, 30, struck by
lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."


kibanda language

So you have all have been to the mighty kibanda for a selection of mouth watering dishes, but most of you guyz barely understand the logistics of operations there, leave alone the street language. So here's a compilation of some of the delicacies available on demand, in kibanda language.

1. Chapati dunga - this is where a chapati is rolled and pierced with a fork.

2. chapati dondosa - this is where a chapati is served whole and served while floating on thick soup.

3. chapati msalaba - this is where a chapati is sliced into four equal quarters. The cuttings resemble a cross

4. chapati kifagio- this is where a chapati is sliced into thin many vertical strips

5. chapati chafua- this is where a chapati is sliced into many pieces as possible. Usually they are sliced into squares that are approximately 3.5 centimeteres squared (do the math)

6. chapati mbao/ chapati mawe - this is a dry chapati, those that break easily like a piece of wood

7. ugali saucer/ wembe/discount- that one i know you know

8. ugali mlima- this is an enourmous chunk of ugali served only to proffessionals and is usually served with a warning. "ukikosa kuimaliza, utaongeza kumi".

9. Tumbukiza - this is where meat is overboiled until the meat is very soft. Usually served without salt. Tumbukiza special has no bones

10. kahawa kifo- so you have done kahawa chungu! This is worse. It usually contains lots of "kahawa no 1" and is overboiled till its black. its then served without sugar. Its literrally burnt coffee

11. kaa ndani- this is where a mandazi is made an incision at the side and a delicacy inserted inside of it. So kaa ndani ya sausage is a mandazi with a sausage in it.

12. jembe ya meno- toothpick

13. samaki cassette- this is fish which has bones in it. Its served whole whereby a person starts eating it on one side( side A ).
Once done, its then turned to the other side (side B). A successful completed eating mission is certified once the only thing left on the plate are intact bones of the fish and the head.

14. karare- chapati nusu

15. combat- githeri

16. mix/ missile / kadhalika- this is mchanganyiko of everything on the soup menu. Involves madondo, sukuma, nyama, ndengu etc. Na inasemwa na style, so dont go ati nipatie missile 20!
It goes like "haya, hebu nibonde na chapo mix ya kaufourty, na ikuje chapchap kabla niachwe na ndege"

17. teargas- pilipili

kibanda language

So you have all have been to the mighty kibanda for a selection of mouth watering dishes, but most of you guyz barely understand the logistics of operations there, leave alone the street language. So here's a compilation of some of the delicacies available on demand, in kibanda language.

1. Chapati dunga - this is where a chapati is rolled and pierced with a fork.

2. chapati dondosa - this is where a chapati is served whole and served while floating on thick soup.

3. chapati msalaba - this is where a chapati is sliced into four equal quarters. The cuttings resemble a cross

4. chapati kifagio- this is where a chapati is sliced into thin many vertical strips

5. chapati chafua- this is where a chapati is sliced into many pieces as possible. Usually they are sliced into squares that are approximately 3.5 centimeteres squared (do the math)

6. chapati mbao/ chapati mawe - this is a dry chapati, those that break easily like a piece of wood

7. ugali saucer/ wembe/discount- that one i know you know

8. ugali mlima- this is an enourmous chunk of ugali served only to proffessionals and is usually served with a warning. "ukikosa kuimaliza, utaongeza kumi".

9. Tumbukiza - this is where meat is overboiled until the meat is very soft. Usually served without salt. Tumbukiza special has no bones

10. kahawa kifo- so you have done kahawa chungu! This is worse. It usually contains lots of "kahawa no 1" and is overboiled till its black. its then served without sugar. Its literrally burnt coffee

11. kaa ndani- this is where a mandazi is made an incision at the side and a delicacy inserted inside of it. So kaa ndani ya sausage is a mandazi with a sausage in it.

12. jembe ya meno- toothpick

13. samaki cassette- this is fish which has bones in it. Its served whole whereby a person starts eating it on one side( side A ).
Once done, its then turned to the other side (side B). A successful completed eating mission is certified once the only thing left on the plate are intact bones of the fish and the head.

14. karare- chapati nusu

15. combat- githeri

16. mix/ missile / kadhalika- this is mchanganyiko of everything on the soup menu. Involves madondo, sukuma, nyama, ndengu etc. Na inasemwa na style, so dont go ati nipatie missile 20!
It goes like "haya, hebu nibonde na chapo mix ya kaufourty, na ikuje chapchap kabla niachwe na ndege"

17. teargas- pilipili

Bifwoli in parliament

Bifwoli enters parliament with bandages on his ears, Marende: Hon Member of Bumula,what happened to your ears? Bifwoli: Mr Speaker, I receift a call while ironing an I confused putingi my mopile for the iron pox on my ear (members burst laughing) Marende: Order members! order!! it is not in order to laugh at a collegue. Hon Bifwoli pole..... So what happened to the other ear? Bifwoli: Mr. Speaker,the itiot kolt pak!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Kikuyu ndani ya mwarabu

An Arab was admitted in the Nairobi Hospital for a heart operation, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring towns.

Finally a Kikuyu was located who had a similar type of blood. The Kikuyu willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery,the Arab sent the Kikuyu as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW 540iL, diamonds, lapis lazuli jewelry, and half a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Kikuyu who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Kikuyu a thank you card and a box of almond chocolate & sweets. The Kikuyu was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Kikuyu 's kind gesture as he had anticipated..

He phoned the Arab and told him, 'I thought this time u would give me Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewelry. But u gave only a card and a box of almond chocolate & sweets. To this the Arab replied 'Can't help it, friend..... Now I have Kikuyu blood in my veins!!


Famous kikuyu words

1.Wheelbarrow – Harrubarow
2.Diesel-Dithoro
3.Sunday school-Sade Skoo
4.Avacado-Macodofia/ovacado
5• Cholmondeley – Koromondo…Shoromondo…Shomondree…AAAAGH, Kamundu kau!!!
6• Charles – sharothi….Jesse – jaythii….Josiah – Johthia….Grace – Girathiii…Coolio – Kuria.
7******EMINEM-Munene
8. Touch Me Lord – Tash Me Rod…
9. In a school context – Agriculture – ngirigasha…Parallelogram – parrrrrrgram….Peripheral – ferferi…Minerals – minroz
10.Walikuja wakishikilia bunduki – Marikuja makishikiria bonoko


Monday, October 10, 2011

Mbuzi

Tajiri kanunua mbuzi! Akamwambia mpishi!

"Nyama nusu ipike pilau na nyingine itie kwenye friza!

Kichwa fanya supu na miguu fanya mchuzi chukuchuku!
Ngozi usitupe tutafanya mswala, utumbo pika na ndizi na mifupa tutawauzia wenye mbwa!"

Mpishi akamuliza:

"Hutaki na sauti ya mbuzi tukichinja tufanye ring tone kwenye simu yako?"


Just for Laughs

And you wonder why the characters in Tahidi High never finish high school!

1. Kamilisha methali hii: Akili ni nywele…

a) Ujinga ni weave

b) Wazimu ni mohawk

c) Kipara ni ngoto

...d) Matuta ni msoto

2. What does Yash Pal Ghai's daughter call her father? - Ghai Fafa!

3. What did Moses say when he saw the burning bush? HELLO-MOTO!

4. What is the opposite of Wetangula – Dryangula

5. Name one place in Kenya where you will find coffee and sugarcane growing. - Kahawa Sukari.

6. Kamilisha methali ifuatayo .... 'Usipoziba woofer , utachoma pia amplifier '

7. Which one of these is not a soap?

a) Esmeralda

b) Days of Our Lives

c) Geisha

d) La Mujer

e)Soy Tu Duena

8. Give an appropriate answer to the following Question: 'Otherwise?'

9. If Moses was a Rastafarian and saw the burning bush,what could he have said?

a) Mo faya

b) Better dan dem

c).Wa’gwan

d) Blo! Blo! Blo