Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Kikuyus and problems (joke)
Where Kikuyus are...... there must be a problem..... and a solution in the
making.......... ........... ..
Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Kikuyus up here and are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Savco jeans instead of their white robes, they're riding pick up trucks instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices. Furthermore, they refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway hawking their wings! They have sub-let their mansions and are now living in the SQs. They are even attempting "atiriri" talk over here! I found some attempting to fit a carrier on the chariot for carrying "thaara wa n'gombe " (Napier grass) on their way from visits! they are even usingmpesa to send money to "andu aitu" in hell.
The Lord said, 'Kikuyus are Kikuyus. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil.'
The Devil answered the phone, 'Hello? Hold on a minute.' The Devil returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.' The Devil said, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something..'
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, 'I'm back... Now what was the question?' Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?' The Devil said, 'Man I don't believe
this.......Hold on.' in the background you can hear "ngai!!!"
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.. The Devil returned and said, 'I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Kikuyus have put out the fire and are selling me a match box if I want to light the fire again!
Omwami at bar in New York :
Man on his right says, 'Johnny Walker single'
Man on his left says, 'Peter Scotch single” Omwami says, 'Wekesa Johnstone Married'
Boss: I'm giving you a job as a driver. Starting salary is Ksh.20,000.00; is it okay?
Omwami: You are great Sir! Starting salary is okay, ...but how much is Driving salary...
Omwami's theory: Moon is more important than Sun, because it gives light at night when light is needed;
and Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!!
Two Omwamis are driving a car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether it’s
working. He puts his head out and says, 'YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...
Omwami shouting to his girl friend, 'you said ati we will register marriage and cheated me. I was
4 you yesterday whole day in the post office...
Two Omwamis looking at Egyptian mummy:
Omwami 1: 'Look so many bandages, lorry accident case mpaya sana .'
Omwami 2: 'Eh Pwanaaa!! , lorry number is also written...BC 1760...!!!'
Omwami on an interview for the post of Detective:
Interviewer: 'Who killed Gandhi?'
Omwami: 'Thank you Sir for giving me the job, I will start investigating...'
Omwami for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was
'FATHER'. He replaced friend with father in the essay and it read:
'I am a very fatherly person, I have lots of fathers, some of my fathers are male and some are
female. My true father is my neighbour.'
Interviewer: 'What is your qualification?'
Omwami: 'Sir I am PhD.
Interviewer: 'What do you mean by PhD?'
Omwami: (smiling) “ Passed High School with Tifficulty.'
Mwalimu: 'In which state does the Nyando flow?'
Omwami: “ Liquid State ...'
Mwalimu stands stunned, looks behind, All were Omwamis...!
Somethin special for the Jeng's
Doctor : What happened to your arm?
Oludhe : I broke it.
Doctor : Where and How did that happen?
Oludhe : Okey. It was a normal Saturday afternoon. I was on the second floor balcony of that my house in Karen, not the one in Lavington sip...
Doctor : Is that where you broke your arm,the balcony?
Oludhe : No! no ... I was sipping that my scotch whisky slowly... you know my son recently came from the UK and he brought me some blue label. Anyway... as I continued sipping, I realised that the sun's rays were not getting directly to me, as the satellite dish was blocking them. Before I could instruct the domestic engineer to automatically turn away the dish, my butler James came up the balcony and informed me that there was this call on my social cellular phone . I reminded him to always bring the cellular up instead of calling me. As I hurried down the marble escalator ...
Doctor : I guess that is when you...
Oludhe : No, as I was going down I noticed the garage door was open and a car alarm was on. I stopped to check and indeed the new model Prado was missing. I knew Mama Akinyi my beautiful second wife had taken it. Akinyi is our second daughter, now in Boston USA and is named after my late grand mother, who passed away in 1972 after a sort illness. I have always warned Mama Akinyi never to use the 4 by 4 on weekends, because of the recent spate of car-jackings. I always advise her to either use the Mercedes 230E or the BMW 325I which are not very attractive for thugs. That reminds me, I will have to tell my secretary to call 'car-track ' first thing on Monday – Yawa! I need to update my mobility inventory with them.So as I was saying....
Doctor : (With some laughter) Yes Mr Oluthe, car theft incidences are rising and it is becoming a dangerous place. But how did you break your arm?
Oludhe : Yes I was coming to that. On my way to pick the cell tel I heard a hissing sound. I stopped to check where it was coming from. Ahh, it was from the bathroom.. Mama Akinyi, for some reason, had left the Jacuzzi on. Luckily the temp and speed were at the minimum. I usually recommend such speed and temp so that we do not overload the UPS support system , especially when our son's home theatre system is on .
Doctor : Mr Olu...
Oludhe : Just wait... So I when I picked up the phone, I said Hello, Hello...Hello, but nothing. I became upset because I think the caller from state house had disconnected, I cant understand why he didn't leave a message after the beep.All my un-answered calls including the car mobiles are automatically redirected to a CAMS system. Doc, a CAMS is a 'Central Answering Machine System '. Anyway, on my way back I did not notice the protruding wire from the satellite dish. I had on many occasions told MultiChoice to send in a qualified techni...
Doctor : ...is that where you tripped?
Oludhe : No, as I was avoiding the wire, I tripped on the Multichoice 250 channel decoder and fell on the 200 year old classical family piano..........
Doctor : Thank you. Such an expensive trip will cost you only 850.
Oludhe: hands over the money excitedly...)
Doctor : Not Kenya shillings, Dollars!
Oludhe : Aii....yawa.....then I shall write you a cheque drawn from my
overseas account with Fast Boston Bank Massachussets....you can not go
wrong on that one omera.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Only in Jamiaca
A Jamaican man walks into a supermarket, picks up a pack of Ribena and a bag of sugar. He pays for the Ribena but walks out... with the sugar. Minutes later, he's caught & later on taken to court.
Once in court, the judge asks him,
"Why did you steal sugar?" The Jamaican man replied, "Bumbaclaaarrtt!! Look pon di
back of di Ribena, it says, SUGAR FREE!!"
Imagine this story!
A bus stops and two Italian men get inside the bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
There is this lady sitting next to them who ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorts indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi. '
My $5000 bet says you're gonna read this again.
Have a nice day, wont you?
Saturday, November 12, 2011
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
Bangi na strungi ni kitu mbaya sana,watu wa pwani mko wapi?
Fala na Otoyo baada ya kiamsha kinywa cha bangi na strungi, waliliona embe juu ya mti wakaamua
kulipopoa.Wakarusha mawe mengi sana bila kufanikiwa kuliangusha lile embe.
Fala akasema; hebu ngoja isije ikawa embe lenyewe bichi, wacha nipande juu nikalicheki.
Baada ya dakika 5, Fala akashuka chini,akamwambia
Otoyo; nimelibonyeza na limeiva vizuri kabisa,tuendelee kulipopoa mawee!!!
Friday, November 11, 2011
If uchumi changes its name
Then there was TUSKER MATTRESS - which later converted to TUSKYS
Then there was NAIVASHA SELF SERVICE STORES - which is now NAIVAS
I'm now afraid UCHUMI might change its name to something like UCHI ...then we'll start getting strange calls like this. 'Baybe, si leo twende shopping uchi!?'
Mulu Mutysia's speech
Baba wanasema Kenyatta ni hayati lakini wewe ni hayati kabisa. Nashukuru sana baba wa taifa kwa sababu ulihaidi kunya hapa ukaharisha, ukahaidi kuja hapa tena ukaharisha tena.
Lakini leo baba ujaharisha lakini umekunya wewe mwenye.
Na sasa baba vile umekunya, nataka nikuambie matako ya hawa mama wote ni maji. Maji tupu.
(The guy was struggling to say that the president was better than his predecessor bu he had postpned his visits many times. but now that he had come the issues of the women in Ukambani was water shortage.