Memorable Jokes

A source of Good humor, Jokes, Funny pictures and giggles and through laughter we can lead the world to health, happiness, and peace.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Hearty breakfast

A Kenyan is enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon, eggs, coffee, croissant; toast, butter, jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation:-

American: You Kenyans eat the whole bread?
Kenyan: Of course.
American (blowing a bubble with his gum): We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them ...into croissants and sell them to Kenya.

Kenyan: Oh Really?
American: Do ya eat jam with the bread?
Kenyan: Of course.
American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to Kenya.

Kenyan: Do you have sex in America?
American: Of course we do.
Kenyan: And what do you do with the condoms?
American: Throw them away of course.
Kenyan: We don't. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

CHIKU! Never again try to bust a dr.

AKINYI: hello, shiko i think my husband is cheating on me

SHIKO: why do u think so? whats his name and what does he do?

AKINYI: his name is Ombewa, he is a pharmacist at umoja and i found sweet messages in his phone from a lady called beatrice

SHIKO: ok lets find out if hes really cheating on u *ring ring….ri ng…ring*

OMBEWA: hallo.. .the digits being displayed on my android 2960 as incoming are foreign to my records, which assembly of co-joined alphabetical letters shall i embed to the person seeking my audience via the cellular?

SHIKO: hello mr. ombewa, my name is sharon from the safaricom shinda na milli promotions and i woud lo….

OMBEWA: pardon my interjection but substitute the prefix Mr. with “Dr.” b4 uttering my name as this will avoid confusion with other ombewa’s and appreciate the years i sacrificed in attaining that status. it is of paramount importance that i percieve this conversation to be channelled only in my direction.

SHIKO: ok dr. ombewa, im sharon from safaricom shinda na amilli and im pleased to inform u that u have won a vacation for two this weekend at mombasa..

OMBEWA: finally safaricom has recognised the reasoning behind their hug profit margins steming from the bulk calls i instigate for both local and international. i accord ur gesture with hospitality. .. SHIKO: ok so i would like the name and details of the person u will be taking to the trip OMBEWA: where they seek her name, just scribble the words “Dr. ombewa’s companion”

SHIKO: sorry sir, but we actually need a name

OMBEWA: Beatrice njeri

SHIKO: ok, thank u sir… i want u to talk to the show promoter so that she can give u the details for ur trip to coast *shiko connects akinyi*

AKINYI: ombewa wewe…huyooo beatrcice kwisakuwa nani?

OMBEWA: ur promoters vocal cords transmit sound in the replicas of my wifes tone. thats astounding

SHIKO: ombewa naitwa shiko, from classic 105..hii ni busted..

OMBEWA: u alerted me that u r sharon from safaricom, now shiko from classic 105. subjecting my experience in the field of pharmacetuals and doctorate to practice i can deduce that u are suffering from multi-personality dis- order. i can prescribe u some recomendable medications for ur ailments AKINYI:wewe ombewa kwisa-acha kutangatanga na maneno, ni mimi bibi yako akinyi ambayo wewe naangalia wasichana wengine nyuma yake

OMBEWA: akinyi, nyar-loka.. yawaa u achieved a job at safaricom as the promoter?..with ur education tht is remarkable

AKINYI: propaganda hawesi kusaidia sai, ambia mimi beatrcice kwisakuwa nani?

OMBEWA: akinyi yawaaa, beatrice is just patient i treated and this un-expecte d trip to mombasa was just an avenue to assist in her recuparation via therapy

AKINYI: hawesi danganya mimi kama mtoto, Unataka ata mimi nihanye sasa. si ni cha hivyo. si ni tit for tat

OMBEWA: yawaaa nyaber do not retaliate in that manner. i detar u to expose that which is matrimonially exclusive to my corneas

AKINYI: ata mimi apana taka wewe sasa….en da na hiyo ndogo ndogo yako na hapana rudi kwa nyumba yangu

OMBEWA: u cannot decree a personna non grata upon me as regards to my dwelling. i am the one who remunerates the landlord on a monthly basis

SHIKO: si uambie bibi yako beatrcice ni nani?

OMBEWA: first and foremost shiko this conversation is recorded on my state of the arts phone. my lawyer will comb the dialogue and sue u for impersonating a safaricom agent and causing me emotional discomfort by instigating deception upon my intellect that i have won trip to mombasa

AKINYI: ambia hiyo loya’ yako aanze kutengenezea wewe karatasi ya divos. mimi akuna mahali napelekana na wewe. wewe naesa letea mimi hayaki

SHIKO: ombewa dont u think that u shuld apologise to ur wife

OMBEWA: cease this dialogue b4 i enforce another suit against u for diminishing the voltage in my android via this misplaced conversation

AKINYI: yaani wewe bado narusa vitisho na wewe kwisasikwa na suruali chini?

OMBEWA: akinyi depart from my dwelling. you ignite cerebral discomfort everytime u spark arguments with my intellect. profits has eluded my pharmacetual business from the fact that i divert most of the medications to treat the never ending head-aches u inflict on me. i used to think that u were my missing rib that i finnaly found only to realise in the end that i ended up with OKIYA OMUTATA’S missing fibula. please go… go and locate your tibia .

Friday, January 06, 2012

Mental Hospital

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.
All the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks,
so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some crazy person poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'........

If u Did Not burst laughing then ur one of the patients...


Unfair

Famous luos in america

Barrack Obama is not the first famous Luo to have made it in the US , but he might be the only one who retained his Kenyan name while many others Americanized theirs. Here is a sample of those Kenyans who made it big in the US but changed their names to become more 'Americans.'

They include: Clarence Carter, Billy Ocean, Barry White, and Otis Redding.

Alicia Keys real name is Alice Akinyi, and then we have Billy Ochieng, who changed his name to Billy Ocean once he hit the American shores; and Otis Redding whose real name is Otieno Rading, comes from the Kisumu.
Brian Mac Otieno was Brian Mc night

Note they are all Luos

There may be others out there, but these are the ones who came to my mind immediately. Something common with these Kenyans is that they were/are all great musicians. If they went into politics like Obama, perhaps they would have retained their Kenyan tags. If they were preachers, they would have changed their minimally like Martin Oludhe King who changed to Martin Luther King and T.D. Jaoko who became T.D. Jakes

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Ocampo Nairobi Styro

For those of you wenye mlipitwa nayo,a nyt cracker 0.o

ocampo writes on Mwai kibaki"s wall on fb (nairobi styro)

*Luis Moreno Ocampo*>mwai kibaki kibaki
-mzeiya hii risto ya shuttle diplomacy ikatsie,unaharibu mambo

•Mike "Gwan Ting" $onko likes this.

35minutes ago nkt. Dislike.Utadoo

coments:

*mwai kibaki>KUBAFU!!!!!!kwanza naaaani alikupa ruhusa uandike kwa woro yagu?siuadike kwa woro ya ICC.MUJINGA

*Lucy kibaki>yaani @kibaki unaongeza friendz kwa fb yetu bira kuniabia,he!niukuona huaini!!Na wewe ocampo,ni kazi umekosa nkt.Kuja ukue scare crow kwa chaba yangu.

*kalonzo musyoka>Tihihihi@lucy,haki umenimaliza,tihihihi.......

*Lucy KIBAKI>Whats funny?Unaona shashir hapa?kwanza niabie chenye uliabia ranabaga juu ya kibaki ama nikubrok!

*Mwai Kibabi>Nooooo!hapanaaa@lucy,wacha kwanza afanye hiyo mambo ya deferal,harafu dio udiro naye porepore.

*joshua Arap sang>@kibaki waeza nisave doo kiasi? jo ni kubaya man.Huyu ocampo hanitakii mazuri.

Raila Odinga>Luolest@LUCY umenimada!roor!!!

*Mike "Gwan Ting" $onko>mathee(lucy) watajuaje we ndo first lady,,,hebu wachapie bwo bwo! Wagan mzito

*Lucy Kibaki>@mbuvi unaniita madhee mimi mama yako?? Mschewww

*Mike "gwan Ting" $onko> tuliza shonde madame,mi nakupiga jeki tu,mbona waniparamba hivo?jipe shughli tsatsa,nkt

*kalonzo Musyoka>tihihihihihi aki $onko unanimada tihihi lol

*Raila Odinga> heheheh am unjoying the unfolding drama,kibaki amesahau bibi ananyeshewa huku *seeps pepsi* Sonko mpe zake!

*PLO Lumumba> never under estimate the idiocy under the downfold of stupidy,you will end with a certificate that will doom your resume into a worthless peace of paper,fools #smh#

*Mike "Gwan Ting" Sonko> hehe PLO umenimada debroz hebu wachapia hawa washenzi,ata najua Kalucy hakajagitch any,kali hiyo

*Bifwoli Wokoli> PLO khandi sasa hiyo ni kisungu ama kicherumani vane?selfless itiot!@ Lucy Omulami pole pole omwana wefwe,wewe ni wetu hawa wasikutisheko khandi,lala vsuri mama #SMH# <-----(ameweka tu the initials hata hajui maana)

*Lucy Kibaki>PLO i will sue you to the standard you son of a mbitch,,,,,,,shameless man,by the way enda kura,umekoda sana,nktscare crow

*Francis Atwoli-washenzi,washenzi,washenzi!!PLO unafanya nini huku jobless corner,al block all of you except Bifwoli,Lucy naanza na wewe nkt!

*Bifwoli Wokoli>WTF!->(not knowing the meaning)-atwoli ata leo ntalala vsuri,barikiwe

*Mike "Gwan Ting" Sonko> Bifwoli we ni Cartoon Mtinguyez,ulijoin facebook lini fala wangu,kuja inbox nikuchanue haha,haiya tuende inbox(1) nktubukusu!

*Raila Odinga*> Lucy stop poking me,kama Sonko amekulemea usiniletee kisrani,am out my beautiful Idda is waiting in bed *ror!*
-(Idda Odinga and Wokoli bifwoli like this)

*Jimmy Gathungu Uhuru kenyatta>>Nijeyez ubakoo,,umeskia maujinga za Ekaterina 2kiwa icc..ujinga moja ni kutamka jina Maina Jenga,,eti MAIN AGENDA.. lol, lmfao, enyway ni accent ya walami bt am xua ntatoboa hii noma ya hague~(Eketerina Trendafilova and Moureno Ocampo like this)

*Lucy Kibaki>nyi edereeni tu,kukiederea hivi naona manyunyu ya Ocampo na mkizidi kutakuwa na mvua ya Trendafilova,may you rot in jair you sons of mbitches,period

*Kalonzo Musyoka>tihihihihi @lucy hebu washow tihihihi :p(Charity Ngilu likes this)

*
BIfwOli Wokoli>ohhh my firinjess!!!ofwana imbwa.Msondo! #smh#

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

It is Only in Nigeria

A family in Nigeria was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the USA, sent by their sister.

The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which read:-

Dearest brodas and sistos, I am sending you our moda's remains for burial de in Lagos. Sorry I couldn't come along as tha expenses were so high. You will find inside de coffin, unda mama's body, 12 cans of Libby's corned beef and 12 cans of Luncheon Meat. Just share it among yourselves.

On Mama's head for Tunde's sons. Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts one is for Omo Roy and de rest are my nephews. Mama is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bra (your favorite) just divide it among yourselves. The 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties dat Mama is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins.

Underneath mama's body is 20 kgs of cocaine in sachets, which is worth 120 million Naira. This should take care of all of you and the unborn babies in your bodies. Don't bury her with all this fortune.

Mama is also wearing eight Docker pants - Ikeje, please get one for yourself and the rest are for the boys. The Swiss watch you asked for is on Mama's left wrist, please get it. Aunty Ifoma, mama is wearing what you asked for ie earrings, ring and necklace - please just get dem. Also, the six pairs of Chanel stockings that mama is wearing must be
>divided among the teen-age girls de I hope they like the color.

Yours loving sisto,
Nene

PS: plse take care of finding a dress for her burial since all I had dressed her in were your presents.

Afro cinema continues shortly,,,,,,


Ghost Encounter

Sam is hanging out alone in a nairobi bar on a wednesday night. At around 2am he decides to leave for his crib... No matatus ply that route at that time of the morning and so he decides to hitch a ride.

It starts to rain and then a prado stops next to him, he quickly gets into the co-drivers side and slams the door behind him. The car starts moving and just when he is about to thank the driver he discovers there is none! Sam starts to freak out but he is afraid to jump out of a moving vehicle. When the vehicle gets to a bend, a hand comes in through the driver's window and turns the steering wheel! This happens twice but on the 3rd time, Sam becomes totally freaked out and decides to jump out of the vehicle, landing into a ditch full of rain water.

He gets up and runs into a nearby bar. After downing four beers, he narrates his 'ghost' encounter to whoever who cared to listen. Just
then, three guys get into the same bar, soaked wet. Then one of them recognizes Sam, starts
laughing uncontrollably while pointing at Sam. Amid his laughing he says 'Si huyu ni yule jamaa aliingia gari tukisukuma?'