Memorable Jokes

An American tourist asked a boat guy in Zanzibar,  Do you know Biology, Psychology, Geography, Geology and Criminology? The boat guy said "no l don't know any of these". The tourist then said "What the hell do you know on the face of this earth,  You will die of illiteracy!" The boat guy said nothing, after a while the boat developed a fault and started sinking. The boatman then asked the tourist, "Do you know Swimology and Escapology from Crocodilogy?". The tourist said, "No!" The boat guy replied, "Well today you will Drownology and Crocodilogy will eat your Assology.  I will not Helpology and you will Dieology because of your Badmouthology."

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, 'You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday.' On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, 'How did you do over the weekend?' 'Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.' 'Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?' 'I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.' 'That's admirable,' says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. 'And how did you do?' 'Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.' 'Wow!' says the judge. '156 people! How did you ...

A little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?" God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand bes...

Man : Habari ya nyina wa Kamau Woman : *sneers* Mzuri. Wapi Maua? Man : Ati maua? Woman : *Slap* Kwani nimesema OMO? Man : Sasa ni nini nyina wa Kamau? ... Woman : Nimekuuliza wapi maua! Man : Eeee ... Nimesahau. Woman : *Slap* Wapi? Hapa nje! *Slap* Umesahau wapi? Man : Wuuui. Sasa ni nini? Si maua nitaleta siku nyingine? Woman : Kesho? *Slap* Leo unajua ni siku gani? Man : Woooi! Falentine! Falentine! Woman : Na maua iko wapi? Man : Eeeee.... Sikupata saa ya kwenda kununua Woman : *Slap* Kwani ulikuwa unaenda kuchukua Kismayu? Eh? Man : Sasa ni nini nyina wa kamau. Si nilikua na kazi mingi... Woman : *Slap* Hata malaya hukuwa na free time! Kwani hii kazi kambuni yako wanafanya wanafanyianga kwa mgongo yako ati ukiinuka kazi itamwagika? Man : Sio hivyo. Woman : Na maua iko wapi? Man : Sasa haki nyina wa Kamau unataka nifanye nini? Woman : Mimi nataka maua sijui kama utapanda ukojolee mpaka imee. Nataka maua. Iko wapi maua yangu? Man : Ngai, sasa na ni saa tano ya usiku ni...

A Kenyan is enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon, eggs, coffee, croissant; toast, butter, jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation:- American: You Kenyans eat the whole bread? Kenyan: Of course. American (blowing a bubble with his gum): We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them ...into croissants and sell them to Kenya. Kenyan: Oh Really? American: Do ya eat jam with the bread? Kenyan: Of course. American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to Kenya. Kenyan: Do you have sex in America? American: Of course we do. Kenyan: And what do you do with the condoms? American: Throw them away of course. Kenyan: We don't. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and...

AKINYI: hello, shiko i think my husband is cheating on me SHIKO: why do u think so? whats his name and what does he do? AKINYI: his name is Ombewa, he is a pharmacist at umoja and i found sweet messages in his phone from a lady called beatrice SHIKO: ok lets find out if hes really cheating on u *ring ring….ri ng…ring* OMBEWA: hallo.. .the digits being displayed on my android 2960 as incoming are foreign to my records, which assembly of co-joined alphabetical letters shall i embed to the person seeking my audience via the cellular? SHIKO : hello mr. ombewa, my name is sharon from the safaricom shinda na milli promotions and i woud lo…. OMBEWA : pardon my interjection but substitute the prefix Mr. with “Dr.” b4 uttering my name as this will avoid confusion with other ombewa’s and appreciate the years i sacrificed in attaining that status. it is of paramount importance that i percieve this conversation to be channelled only in my direction. SHIKO: ok dr. ombewa, im shar...

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day. All the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on..... Some crazy person poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'........ If u Did Not burst laughing then ur one of the patients...

Barrack Obama is not the first famous Luo to have made it in the US , but he might be the only one who retained his Kenyan name while many others Americanized theirs. Here is a sample of those Kenyans who made it big in the US but changed their names to become more 'Americans.' They include: Clarence Carter, Billy Ocean, Barry White, and Otis Redding. Alicia Keys real name is Alice Akinyi, and then we have Billy Ochieng, who changed his name to Billy Ocean once he hit the American shores; and Otis Redding whose real name is Otieno Rading, comes from the Kisumu. Brian Mac Otieno was Brian Mc night Note they are all Luos There may be others out there, but these are the ones who came to my mind immediately. Something common with these Kenyans is that they were/are all great musicians. If they went into politics like Obama, perhaps they would have retained their Kenyan tags. If they were preachers, they would have changed their minimally like Martin Oludhe King who cha...

For those of you wenye mlipitwa nayo,a nyt cracker 0.o ocampo writes on Mwai kibaki"s wall on fb (nairobi styro) *Luis Moreno Ocampo*>mwai kibaki kibaki -mzeiya hii risto ya shuttle diplomacy ikatsie,unaharibu mambo •Mike "Gwan Ting" $onko likes this. 35minutes ago nkt. Dislike.Utadoo coments: *mwai kibaki>KUBAFU!!!!!!kwanza naaaani alikupa ruhusa uandike kwa woro yagu?siuadike kwa woro ya ICC.MUJINGA *Lucy kibaki>yaani @kibaki unaongeza friendz kwa fb yetu bira kuniabia,he!niukuona huaini!!Na wewe ocampo,ni kazi umekosa nkt.Kuja ukue scare crow kwa chaba yangu. *kalonzo musyoka>Tihihihi@lucy,haki umenimaliza,tihihihi....... *Lucy KIBAKI>Whats funny?Unaona shashir hapa?kwanza niabie chenye uliabia ranabaga juu ya kibaki ama nikubrok! *Mwai Kibabi>Nooooo!hapanaaa@lucy,wacha kwanza afanye hiyo mambo ya deferal,harafu dio udiro naye porepore. *joshua Arap sang>@kibaki waeza nisave doo kiasi? jo ni kubaya man.Huyu ocampo hanitakii mazuri. Raila Odinga...

A family in Nigeria was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the USA, sent by their sister. The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which read:- Dearest brodas and sistos, I am sending you our moda's remains for burial de in Lagos. Sorry I couldn't come along as tha expenses were so high. You will find inside de coffin, unda mama's body, 12 cans of Libby's corned beef and 12 cans of Luncheon Meat. Just share it among yourselves. On Mama's head for Tunde's sons. Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts one is for Omo Roy and de rest are my nephews. Mama is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bra (your favorite) just divide it among yourselves. The 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties dat Mama is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cou...

Sam is hanging out alone in a nairobi bar on a wednesday night. At around 2am he decides to leave for his crib... No matatus ply that route at that time of the morning and so he decides to hitch a ride. It starts to rain and then a prado stops next to him, he quickly gets into the co-drivers side and slams the door behind him. The car starts moving and just when he is about to thank the driver he discovers there is none! Sam starts to freak out but he is afraid to jump out of a moving vehicle. When the vehicle gets to a bend, a hand comes in through the driver's window and turns the steering wheel! This happens twice but on the 3rd time, Sam becomes totally freaked out and decides to jump out of the vehicle, landing into a ditch full of rain water. He gets up and runs into a nearby bar. After downing four beers, he narrates his 'ghost' encounter to whoever who cared to listen. Just then, three guys get into the same bar, soaked wet. Then one of them recognizes Sam, starts l...

Juzi Kibaki,Moi &Raila were kidnaped. They were taken 2 a town they dint knw. Kila mtu akaambiwa' aende anunue matunda 10 ama auliwe. Moi alikuwa wa 1st kufika na machungwa 10. Kumbe ilikuwa unawekwa hayo matunda kwa matako ama uuliwe. Moi aliwekwa 3 ya nne akaanza kulia. Raila alikuwa wa pili kufika na grapes kumi. Kwa sababu zilikuwa ndogo aliwekwa kwa urahisi lakini alipofikisha ya tisa, alicheka, zikatoka zote. Akaulizwa mbona amecheka na alikuwa karibu kumaliza? Raila akamjibu "Nimeona Kibaki akibeba watermelon kumi"...hehehe.

Where Kikuyus are...... there must be a problem..... and a solution in the making.......... ........... .. Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Kikuyus up here and are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Savco jeans instead of their white robes, they're riding pick up trucks instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices. Furthermore, they refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway hawking their wings! They have sub-let their mansions and are now living in the SQs. They are even attempting "atiriri" talk over here! I found some attempting to fit a carrier on the chariot for carrying "thaara wa n'gombe " (Napier grass) on their way from visits! they are even usingmpesa to send money to "andu aitu" in hell. The Lord said, 'Kikuyus are Kikuyus. If you want...

Omwami at bar in New York : Man on his right says, 'Johnny Walker single' Man on his left says, 'Peter Scotch single” Omwami says, 'Wekesa Johnstone Married' *** Boss: I'm giving you a job as a driver. Starting salary is Ksh.20,000.00; is it okay? Omwami: You are great Sir! Starting salary is okay, ...but how much is Driving salary... *** Omwami's theory: Moon is more important than Sun, because it gives light at night when light is needed; and Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!! *** Two Omwamis are driving a car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether it’s working. He puts his head out and says, 'YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO... *** Omwami shouting to his girl friend, 'you said ati we will register marriage and cheated me. I was waiting 4 you yesterday whole day in the post office... *** Two Omwamis looking at Egyptian mummy: Omwami 1: 'Look so many bandages, lorry accident case mpaya sana .' ...

Doctor : What happened to your arm? Oludhe : I broke it. Doctor : Where and How did that happen? Oludhe : Okey. It was a normal Saturday afternoon. I was on the second floor balcony of that my house in Karen, not the one in Lavington sip... Doctor : Is that where you broke your arm,the balcony? Oludhe : No! no ... I was sipping that my scotch whisky slowly... you know my son recently came from the UK and he brought me some blue label. Anyway... as I continued sipping, I realised that the sun's rays were not getting directly to me, as the satellite dish was blocking them. Before I could instruct the domestic engineer to automatically turn away the dish, my butler James came up the balcony and informed me that there was this call on my social cellular phone . I reminded him to always bring the cellular up instead of calling me. As I hurried down the marble escalator ... Doctor : I guess that is when you... Oludhe : No, as I was going down I noticed the garage door was open and a ca...

A Jamaican man walks into a supermarket, picks up a pack of Ribena and a bag of sugar. He pays for the Ribena but walks out... with the sugar. Minutes later, he's caught & later on taken to court. Once in court, the judge asks him, "Why did you steal sugar?" The Jamaican man replied, "Bumbaclaaarrtt!! Look pon di back of di Ribena, it says, SUGAR FREE!!"

A bus stops and two Italian men get inside the bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. There is this lady sitting next to them who ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: 'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorts indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives. 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi. ' My $5000 bet says you're gonna read this again. Have a nice day, wont you?

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

Bangi na strungi ni kitu mbaya sana,watu wa pwani mko wapi? Fala na Otoyo baada ya kiamsha kinywa cha bangi na strungi, waliliona embe juu ya mti wakaamua kulipopoa.Wakarusha mawe mengi sana bila kufanikiwa kuliangusha lile embe. Fala akasema; hebu ngoja isije ikawa embe lenyewe bichi, wacha nipande juu nikalicheki. Baada ya dakika 5, Fala akashuka chini,akamwambia Otoyo; nimelibonyeza na limeiva vizuri kabisa,tuendelee kulipopoa mawee!!!